Barack Obama: These Week 1 NFL Picks have fulfilled their mission. It’s time to turn the page. Now watch as I pull a rabbit out of my hat.

My interpretation of the games that have not yet been played may be as premature as a Brett Favre retirement, but so was the original mission a decade ago.

The previous administration got America to believe the Cleveland Browns were a real NFL threat because gravel-faced insane people told them the Browns had weapons of mass destruction. It was not true. And then instead of a walk-in-the-park Super Bowl championship, we were given the act of the Patriots.

The previous administration pretended as if the sanctimonious I’ve-got-a-secret-phone-line-to-Lombardi lunatics had direct evidence that a Manning child was somehow hidden on the Cleveland Browns roster. No one ever found that child. Instead, they found Charlie’s Fryes. It made me bitter, and for a while I clung to guns and religion.

The administration told America that the Browns winning the Super Bowl would be a piece of cake.  The administration claimed to believe the histrionic morons who would let us eat cake, and so never actually explained that the administration itself was a bunch of sociopathic liars.

I talked to former Prognosticator George W. Bush earlier today and I told him that his pre-emptive strike to get Brady Quinn was both moronic and horribly painful to the nation. He knows that we disagreed from the outset about his handling of the Cleveland Browns. We had a heated discussion about Gerard Warren, who Bush nicknamed, for reasons unknown, Tora Bora. We disagreed on many issues, but no one can doubt the former Prognosticator of the United States of America eats dog bones like all patriotic Americans.

Yet by the time he ended his relationship with Phil Savage, who was known by his nickname of Donald Rumsfeld, the damage had been done. So when the former Prognosticator recommended a surge towards Mike Holmgren, I talked to Jim Brown, who gave me the emotional advice he’d heard from my former reverend, Jeremiah Wright.

Thus, I opposed the Holmgren surge. Now, I’d like  to take credit for it.

It is a bit presumptuous of me to take credit for the upcoming success of the Cleveland Browns. I don’t really pay attention to the NFL like my predecessor. Frankly I am distracted, and the NFL is actually quite a nuisance.

Still, I plan to take credit for my predecessor’s belief in the Cleveland Browns. This year, they will be great. For the last decade, my predecessor predicted the Browns would win the Super Bowl. This year, when it happens, it will be because of me, not him. He had nothing to do with it.

Let me now change the subject by pointing out that I’ve got pictures of my family, and I am surrounded by flags. That’s cool, huh? Look, now I am wearing a Browns hat. I am patriotic for sure. I was even born in America. I remember being born and seeing Hawaii. It’s true.

My point is that I know you don’t have a job.

I’m sorry. Don’t think about that. Instead, think about whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

Welcome to my 2010 NFL predictions tea party. Want some beer or coffee?

I decided to throw this 2010 NFL predictions tea party, paid for with Obama stimulus money, because I want America restored to how things were in the 1950s when the Cleveland Browns were the best team in the NFL.

That’s what these tea parties are all about, right? That, and beer. We’re proudly not elite and we are upset with how things have been in the elitist Manning-driven NFL. We need to take our country back from the elites and the Saints! I am not an elite or a saint, and neither is my favorite football team or any of its players.

I am just a regular guy with $700 billion plus change in my pocket. It’s a minor detail but one night in September, 2008, Ben Bernake was bored and called me so I told him to bet $700 billion on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl. Yes, I am Ben Bernake’s bookie.

That’s when President George W. Bush bailed me out with $700 billion in small bills. So now that it is in the history books, I can finally graciously explain that I blackmailed George and he had no choice but to cooperate.

I have pictures of Bush and Osama Bin Laden at a Browns Backers bar in Kabul – both of them wearing the colors and bitching about Tim Couch. It was the last chance at diplomacy that no one knew about. I have pictures because I happened to be in the same bar that night. Yes, I am a regular guy with $700 billion who goes to bars and sees world leaders cheering for the Cleveland Browns. Like it doesn’t happen to you after a couple shots of tequila. Please!

A few months later, I convinced the newly elected and totally gullible President Barack Obama to give me thousands of dollars more in something he called cash for clunkers. He said he had read this website and eloquently called it “definitely a clunker.” He got the facts right, but that’s about it.

Read the rest of this entry →

There once was a Louisiana cow that loved the NFL and, as this is a religious story, we shall call her a sacred cow although her given name was Elsie. All her life, Elsie had one goal – to become the official football of Super Bowl XLIV. In order to get her way, she promised to affect the results of the big game.

A pig, for some reason gets all the credit, but a football is made of cowhide, not pigskin. Specifically, the Super Bowl XLIV football is made out of Elsie the Cow’s hide.

Once Elsie promised to affect the outcome in a conspiratorial way, the grateful NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell slaughtered Elsie with his own hands and then he sewed her hide together with a shoelace while Michael Vick watched, and the two casually discussed a good steak tip rub (olive oil, brown sugar, chile powder, a bit of cumin, less cayenne pepper, and lots of garlic).

This all happened and I have the false memory to prove it, and this means that everything Elsie the cow said she would do in Super Bowl XLIV is certain to happen.

Elsie The Cow was a New Orleans Saints fan her entire life. She grew up on Archie Manning’s farm cheering for Archie Manning.  She even owned a “Who Dat?” bag that she wore over her head for a decade. But she was also the cow that gave the milk that went on the cereal that Peyton Manning ate every morning when he was growing up.

So much like Archie Manning, you can see how Elsie the cow was conflicted when she learned her favorite quarterback would be playing against her favorite team in the Super Bowl.

For days, Elsie the Cow begged Archie Manning to take her to the Super Bowl. She sent text messages and tweeted him, but Archie said he was reluctantly bringing Eli instead. Elsie was determined not to miss this game for the world, even if it meant missing the world, so she arranged for a trip to New York – she flew coach – where she met with the commissioner, and every play of Super Bowl XLIV was planned in advance.

So with fresh blood still on his hands, the commissioner appeared at the Media Day podium to declare: “I guarantee this will be the greatest Super Bowl ever.” Yes, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And everyday the paper boy brings more
- Pink Floyd

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TED KENNEDY: Hey, dead Ted back again, now that 41 out of 100 is a majority, to give you my NFL Conference Championship predictions and to check in on my beloved Massachusetts. Did you know that I was known as the liberal lion of the Senate? I thanked God every day that I was not a Detroit Lion.

But now I see that the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, as Ronald Reagan once lovingly called my state, has voted to replace me with a Republican former nude model with a truck. Although being a former nude model with a truck more than qualifies Scott Brown for the Senate (I’ve known Senators with less qualifications), I blame Tom Brady.

In fact, when the New England Patriots lost a couple of weeks ago, I started drinking. Don’t be surprised. There’s really good booze in heaven. And yes, I made it here! I can show you the noogies that Jack and Bobby have been giving me to prove it. Of course they are in heaven, along with Tip O’Neill, Ronald Reagan, and the just-arrived Obama Health Care Bill.

The last time I predicted NFL games for you was in week 1 when I had just began my dirt nap, and I predicted that Vince Young would become the Titans starter by the end of the season. You can ignore my other predictions the same as you can ignore my prediction that universal health care would become a reality in America. Who knew it would be my specific seat, and a new Boston Tea Party, that killed it? I would not have predicted that.

Heck, one year ago, Barack Obama was taking the oath of office and the word “Democrat” stood for change instead of can you spare some change. Things change fast. You want to talk about change… I was alive back then; now I am dead. That’s not exactly the kind of change I endorsed.

And that brings me to the NFL, where Tom Brady is no longer playing but Mark Sanchez is.  As a New England Patriots fan, I hate the New York Jets. And as a student of the conspiratorial intersection of sports and politics, I knew that when Tom Brady started throwing interceptions in a playoff game, voters in Massachusetts would revolt.

Sure, the Democrats ran a candidate with the charisma of the color beige but I still blame Tom Brady. If he had only kept throwing touchdown passes, no one would have noticed that I wasn’t the Democrat running. But when the Patriots season ended and votes sobered up enough to realize that it was Martha friggin’ Coakley running and not me, they voted for Scott Brown.

But beyond the fact that our candidate spent most of the Massachusetts campaign in the Caribbean, I think there was a deeper reason voters chose Brown. I believe that once the Patriots were eliminated, fans thought they were voting for the Cleveland Browns, who I would vote for too. The Cleveland Browns are America’s team; America just doesn’t know it yet. As a secret Browns fan, I must say that the hope still lives and the dream shall never die  -  even though I did.

So this weekend, while Barack Obama tries to figure out if he is the Democrats version of Ronald Reagan or another Jimmy Carter, three great quarterbacks – Brett Favre, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning -  and Mark Sanchez are still playing NFL football, which means that Obama controls the playoffs the way he controls the majority in Congress. And if you don’t think I can connect the dots, you don’t know a conspiracy theory from a grassy knoll. (Jack loves a good grassy knoll joke. Gets him laughing every time.)

So check it out. The most conservative team still left in the playoffs are the New York Jets. They are riding wave of confidence like the Republicans who suddenly think that 41 out of 100 is a majority. The Jets are one of four teams. The conservative team has a chance. But let me tell what my dead friend Harry Truman says to me all the time… “The ground game is fine but sometimes you need to throw a couple big bombs to get their attention.”

And that’s why I think this is whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

Man at the top says it’s lonely up there
If it is man, I don’t care
From the big white house to the parking lot
Everybody wants to be the man at the top
- Bruce Springsteen

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MARK McGWIRE: These 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL picks are clean, unlike the 1998 Super Bowl when Sammy Sosa and I combined to predict the Denver Broncos would upset the heavily favored Green Bay Packers. I did one more shot of andro that year than Sammy, so I was able to also see that Terrell Davis would be named the Super Bowl MVP.

Those were the days… I mean, I am sorry.

If you have been reading the political book, “Game Change” you have seen various rumors about Elizabeth Edwards and Bill Clinton injecting me in the buttocks during the 2008 presidential campaign. Those rumors are false, and so is whatever Jose Canseco has to say. Just because all of them have seen my buttocks is no reason for them to spread lies.

Mostly, I did steroids because I hated Roger Maris and Jimmy the Greek. But I digress.

Do I think my steroid use helped me to become fantastically successful in predicting football games in the past? No, I am a natural.

It is mere coincidence that I was known as the best predictor in the world until NBA referee Tim Donaghy took away my throne. It also coincidence that my best years of predicting were during the time the Cleveland Browns didn’t exist because of a buttface, Art Modell, and most of you were aghast that Bill Clinton exposed his buttocks and more.

Plus don’t forget the better I predicted, the more you loved me. Sammy Sosa and I essentially saved NFL prognosticating after 1994 when the Union Of Pompous Prognosticators went on strike. It was Sammy and I and our historic success – medically induced or not – that saved the American past time of predicting NFL games. That’s what happened. Here’s whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not “Mr. Lebowski”. You’re Mr. Lebowski. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

- Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

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I am currently naked in front of Janet Napolitano while I predict these NFL Wildcard Weekend games. If these predictions don’t completely bomb, the system worked.

You must now get naked as you read these predictions, and soon Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano will visit and examine you and then you can feel comfortable betting your life on these NFL Wildcard Weekend picks. Life is sweet for those who are alive this NFL Wildcard Weekend. The rest of us are comforted in a very special way by Janet Napolatano, who, we’ve quickly learned, is more charming than we originally could have imagined. Sigh.

It’s crazy to think that an entire NFL Season has passed in less time than it took for a shoe bomber to morph into an underwear bomber… and it’s horrifying to think what’s next, especially as I am forced to stand here naked in front of Janet Napolatano explaining why I believe the New England Patriots will survive the Wes Welker injury fine in the short term, because they are that kind of team. If she ever discovers I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl, I could be sent to Guantanamo as a political prisoner.

If you don’t hear from me again, it’s because that’s whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention

- Paul Anka

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These 2009 Week 17 NFL picks have been planned for an entire decade. And what a decade it’s been. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years.

If you’ve been betting these picks for the past 10 years, I’d like to know how you can afford to lose so much money. You do know that I am missing a chromosome, right?

Just last week, I was very accurate in predicting the score of the Giants/Panthers game. It was a blowout: the Panthers won 41-9. My only mistake was picking the wrong team to win that blowout. I picked the Giants to win 40-10. This proves that I am a dyslexic psychic – which would be a great band name.

There is so much to reflect on this decade but for me the sum of all the parts amount to Balloon Boy. It was the Balloon Boy Decade, even in the NFL, where my false hopes of a Cleveland Browns championship and this column taking off floated away and I am in shackles to a team that hates me and a popular culture that can’t connect the same dots I see. The two teams of the decade are the despised Pittsburgh Steelers and the the team coached by the Bernie-Kosar-cutting Bill Belichick, the New England Patriots. And Art Modell won a championship in Baltimore too.

I love new beginnings. I need one almost every day. And now we are at the cusp of not just a new year but a new decade. This follows a decade that only the 1930s or 1960s can rival and yes these are non-football thoughts in the middle of this football column, which is the reason why all three of my readers are here.

Which brings me to… I’ve noticed there are only three of you readers, maybe four at the most. And this thinking stuff requires a lot more work than you might think. And since none of you has given me an “A” or even a gold star, let alone actual cash – this may be the final season of this column. I think that every year about this time when my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, stink again. This year I am putting it to you. Am I wasting my time?

I will ponder though the playoffs, or you can vote and tell me whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I’m telling you why

- J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie

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I’m Wolf Blitzen, news reindeer, reporting that these Week 16 NFL picks were voted on by the Senate on the morning of Christmas Eve. The key point in the legislation was if you pout,  you’ll get gout from Dan Fouts.

Okay, I made that last part up. But Senate Democrats and Joe Lieberman voted to predict this week’s NFL games despite vehement opposition from Republicans – the conservatives who think the Cleveland Browns won’t win by 50 points. Even though the ability to abort losses was taken out of final legislation, President Obama expressed confidence in the process moving forward.

“When the House and Senate reconcile their differences – including whether should there should be a public option to fire Eric Mangini – I believe this legislation will prove to be the first step to providing real adequate health care to the Cleveland Browns organization. In the meantime, I’ve appointed one of the top football health specialists, Mike Holmgren, to the case.”

That’s what happened. Merry Christmas. Here’s whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →

Lonely days are gone, I’m a goin’ home
‘Cause my baby just a-wrote me a letter

- The Boxtops

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These Week 15 NFL picks are hot! Stolen emails reveal that three rainforests were chopped down to produce these week 15 NFL picks and our SUV-driving employees are required to hold the buttons of two coal-powered aerosol cans during all waking moments.

While world leaders meet in Copenhagen and argue about how to reduce global warming, the staff of this column met in a bar and discussed how best to increase it. We were cold that day.

Ours is a point of view missing from the global warming debate and so we stole our own emails and now we dare to show them to the world. It’s shocking but…

We hate winter. Sure, the cuteness factor makes us want to save the polar bears and penguins. But contrary to premature and therefore misleading press reports, we have not decided to announce whether either tastes very good in our special chili recipe. But speaking of that, our pursuit of methane gas has us serving food that encourages flatulence.

We demand to be heard even if our pursuit of perfect weather must be paired with an NFL prediction site during a week late in the season when a couple of teams are still pursuing perfect records. As Cleveland Browns fans, we are also in favor of climate change in the NFL – although we’ve discovered that it is much easier to change the climate of an entire planet than it is to change the climate of that particular dysfunctional NFL team.

But in week 15, while we expect the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts to continue acting like bullying industrial nations, we hold out hope that the Cleveland Browns will stop with the Maldives-of-the-NFL act. That’s whatzgonnahappen.
Read the rest of this entry →

There are those who look at things the they way they are, and ask why…
I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?

- Robert F. Kennedy

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These week 14 NFL predictions are late because I knew I’d be correct about the Browns game, so I started celebrating Thursday’s victory on Tuesday. Yes, I am that kind of psychic.

In this column, the news of the world takes a pause this week. Cancel the wars, quit asking about Tiger’s chances for par no matter what you are counting, and call the economy fixed -  because the Cleveland Browns beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Say “Amen.”

Now someone call Satan (I know at least one of my readers has his cell phone number) and tell him to start wearing ice skates because his hometown has frozen over. While on the subject, I admit that I sold my soul in order to be right about this game. You are welcome.

When you’ve been bullied for more than a decade and you finally get to throw a punch – it not only sends a message but it feels good – therapeutic even. Of course, Thursday’s victory by the Cleveland Browns over the evil Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers probably means that St. Louis will draft a Hall of Fame player while the Browns will draft a criminal with a bad knee, a fast motorcycle, two hands of stone, the brain capacity of a bag of spoons, the work habits of Joe the homeless guy, and the ethical standards of an indicted politician.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t celebrate each of the eight sacks of Ben Roethlisberger, just as I knew I would. I was right to think I would be happy watching Joshua Cribbs run over the Steelers, and I made the proper decision to start celebrating Chris Jennings touchdown a full two days early. My hindsight about my foresight is 20/20.

Life is good because the Browns beat the Steelers and yes I am that simple, so at the moment I don’t know or care if this is whatzgonnahappen. Read the rest of this entry →