– Bob Dylan

—

The ancient Mayans and Nostradamus are Cleveland Browns fans who met on Facebook. They went to Applebee’s to predict Super Bowl XLV. They were tied in their fantasy league.

The ancient Mayans used an iPhone prophecy app , common in their time, to predict the outcome of the Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Green Bay Packers. Nostradamus called over the bartender. He ordered a round of beers, sweet tarot cards, and a genuine replica crystal ball. It was sacred religious moment. Sacred secular too. Money was exchanged.

Nostradamus pulled out his iPad and googled “visions.” The bartender brought him a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bartender mistook Nostradamus for a hipster. A gypsy woman brought the tarot cards and a genuine replica crystal ball purchased on eBay. She sat and joined the boys and watched a commercial on the flatscreen TV. Her name was Gypsy Jones.

The ancient Mayans tipped the bartender: “Exercise is good for you,” they all said in unison.

While Nostradamus searched websites for a vision, the ancient Mayans bragged to him of their choice of technology. “The great time-traveling Steve Jobs visited us first,” they said.

“Yeah, he brought you that crappy first-generation iPhone,” said Nostradamus, all snarky like. Suddenly he barked, “I got it! Oh wait. Wrong site. I found the end of the world as we know it.”

The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones already knew of the impending demise of the 16-week NFL season. Like all sports fans, they hated knowing about upcoming labor disputes almost as much as they hated politicians that started predictable wars. They complained of headaches.

Nostradamus guzzled his PBR. He stroked his long gray beard and searched some more. Suddenly he stopped and his eyes teared up. The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones rushed to his side. “I am a seer of the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl in the year…” But Nostradamus couldn’t finish. He was overcome with emotion. He added, simply, “I have discovered Whatzgonnahappen.”

—

PREGAME: Keith Urban tweets a duet with fans on smartphones around the world. Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem, but when she gets to the line, “the home of the brave,” Maurice Jones-Drew runs on the stage like Kayne West and asks if she means Jay Cutler too?

COIN FLIP: “Hold on,” says the referee. “We’re trying to borrow a coin from China.” When they finally locate a coin, both Clay Mathews and Troy Polamalu call “Hair.” Packers ball, by a hair.

FIRST QUARTER: Aaron Rodgers drives the Packers to the Steelers 20 and then tosses an interception to Polamalu. Ben Roethlisberger can’t be found at the beginning of the game because he’s in the bathroom with a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Standing guard outside the bathroom is Brett Favre. Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends Big Ben for the first six minutes of the game. When Roethlisberger returns, he proves adept at handing the ball off to Rashard Mendenhall. Packer 0, Steelers 7

SECOND QUARTER: Aaron Rogers hits the fleet and sure-handed B.J. Raji on a deep out pattern for 25 yards. On the next play as Donald Driver crosses the middle, James Harrison tries to give a clinic on helmet-to-helmet hits. But the receiver quickly and legally (like the Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/Johnson) changes his name to “Donald Duck.” In fact, the Packers score two touchdowns and a field goal, mostly on the arm of their quarterback. James Starks discovers that a Steel Curtain has descended. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger hates long-haired blond linebackers. Packers 17, Steelers 10

HALFTIME: The Black-Eyed Peas dedicate their hit, “Let’s Get Retarded” to the First Amendment, the Tea Party, everyone waving a Terrible Towel.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THIRD QUARTER: After taking the kickoff to the 31, Roethlisberger starts throwing to tight end Heath Miller. Someone with a cheesehead commences nervously eating their hat. By the time Hines Ward catches a two-yard touchdown pass, the hat is gone. There is only a cracker. At this point, defense takes over for both teams. Just before the quarter ends, Brett Favre tries to sneak into the Packers huddle wearing a Groucho Marx nose and glasses. Packers 17, Steelers 17

FOURTH QUARTER: Fox shows a promo for their reality show, “Bart Starr Punches Terry Bradshaw in the Nose.” John Madden returns for a cameo: “Pow!” he says.  On the field, the game turns into a battle of field position and stalling offenses. Each team punts three times. Each team misses one field goal. It is time to test the new overtime rules.  Packers 17, Steelers 17

OVERTIME: The Steelers get the ball first and drive to the 18. On fourth and 4, the Steelers kick a field goal and Ben Roethlisberger starts yelling, “I’m going to Disney World!” But Ben wasn’t on the active roster when the team explained the new overtime rules. After a touchback, the Packers start at their own 20 and Rodgers throws four complete passes in a row to drive to the Steelers 20. On each pass, Harrison just misses getting to Rodgers. On each pass, Polamalu just misses an interception. Rodgers is doing it on purpose. He is penalized for taunting. With the ball at the 35, he hits Donald Driver in the back of the end zone. The ball flies one inch over Polamalu’s reach.  Packers 23, Steelers 20

POSTGAME: Brett Favre interrupts the presentation of the Lombardi trophy to announce he is ending his retirement. Bears fan Barack Obama tells the Packers they are not welcome at the White House.

—

This column is sponsored by Freecheezeburgerz.

—

I got a big gavel just in time to make Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Thanks Nancy. Now scram.

I am crying because I am the new speaker of the people’s NFL picks. Plus I hurt myself with the gavel. Ouch. If I have my way, I won’t see a doctor. That’ll show me!

You see, I have a big gavel. That’s what she said. No, really, that’s what she said.

So as a first order of business, I aim to cut the deficit by swinging this gavel and betting with the Chinese on this weekend’s games. Specifically, I got the Chinese to take the Seattle Seahawks against the New Orleans Saints.

I think they took the bet because of Ichiro. I know that Ichiro is Japanese and plays baseball. But I’m not sure they know. Plus they like Pete Carroll. They think he is cuddly, like a Panda. I am making all this up. I have no idea why the Chinese would bet on the Seahawks.

So listen, Arkansas, you are what I bet the Chinese. In other words, if the Seahawks somehow win, you are Chinese. But look on the bright side. The Chinese wanted me to bet Connecticut. As if!

With my big gavel, this new Congress has already acted decisively. If the New Orleans Saints beat the Seattle Seahawks, the deficit goes down significantly. And if the Seahawks win, it will be easier to visit China. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – In the first quarter the Saints offense is a drop from the faucet, while Matt Hasselbeck makes this game look like a relative of Buster Douglas. But by the end of the game, Drew Brees has the ball flying all over the field as the drip becomes a fire hose of activity. The Seahawks are who we thought they were. Saints 34, Seahawks 20

JETS AT COLTS – Rex Ryan has a plaque on his desk. He bought it at a flea market, and it misquotes Teddy Roosevelt as saying: “Speak loudly and carry a small stick.” Santonio Holmes should have a big day but look for Mark Sanchez to complete more big passes to the Colts than to his own receivers. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning laughs every time the Jets blitz. Colts 26, Jets 14

RAVENS AT CHIEFS – Fireworks are shot off and a 3,000 birds fall from the sky and land on Ray Lewis. While most everyone is discounting the Chiefs as too young and inexperienced, I’m a believer. Look for some Matt Cassell heroics after a Joe Flacco late interception. Chiefs 23, Ravens 20

PACKERS AT EAGLES – After a dream season, Michael Vick will have offseason Clay Mathews nightmares. Aaron Rodgers throws three touchdown passes and the Eagles are karmically punished on a special teams play for once being snow wussies. Packers 31, Eagles 23

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Winning means attention to detail. Patriots rookies are given three-pages on how to brush their teeth in the post-season.

BYE AT FALCONS – Matt Ryan watches Stuart Smalley tapes.

BYE AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin is a fan of Jersey Shore because his quarterback is like a character from the show.

BYE AT BEARS – Jay Cutler spends the week trying to remember the difference between uniform colors.

BYE AT BROWNS – The same movie keeps repeating.

—

This column is sponsored by the US Constitution, except that one part.

—

Julian Assange has leaked my week 13 NFL picks to the media. He stole them from my brain. All that I can do now is deny that I know how Hillary Clinton got some of Brett Favre’s DNA. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

Sure, it was no big revelation that every Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in history has some of Bill Clinton’s DNA, but now you also know that Brad Childress doesn’t have DNA. He has CSI.

Ben Roethlisberger is the author of the new TSA procedures.

Is some of this surprising? Sure. But discovering that Donald Rumsfeld has been secretly running the Buffalo Bills for the last three years seems, in retrospect, obvious.

This information, by the way, is secret and classified. Want to know some more? Josh McDaniels has a tape of it all. It turns out that international diplomats get catty. That’s what Derek Anderson found so funny. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT EAGLES – At halftime, Andre Johnson fights Manny Pacquiao. Eagles 30, Texans 20

SAINTS AT BENGALS – In the reality show language that the Bengals traffic in, the Saints will treat the Bengals like Sarah Palin treats a halibut. Saints 35, Bengals 21

BEARS AT LIONS – When everyone starts saying the Jay Cutler Bears are playing great, they are sure to lose. Lions 24, Bears 17

49ers AT PACKERS – The Mike Singletary post game press conference has Coors Lite commercial written all over it. Packers 50, 49ers 12

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – As an early Christmas present, Charlie Weiss gives Josh McDaniels a Notre Dame tie. Then Romeo Crennel gives McDaniels a Cleveland Browns coffee mug. Afterward, they make plans to watch the Patriots game. Chiefs 31, Broncos 28

BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – Jake Delhomme sees that the offensive game plane calls for his first three throws to be interceptions. “Get them out of the way early,” says Coach Mangini. Browns 33, Dolphins 22

BILLS AT VIKINGS – The Vikings call on Touchdown Toby Gerhart to run over the Bills. Vikings 28, Bills 19

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – The Wikileaks site revealed that Donovan McNabb is actually a diplomatic spy who spends more time concentrating on espionage than studying the playbook. Giants 25, Redskins 18

JAGUARS AT TITANS – The brilliant Randy Moss left Tom Brady for Rusty Smith. That is a hilarious sentence. Jaguars 21, Titans 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Proclamations that Jason Campbell is the savior were premature. Chargers 33, Raiders 20

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Karma means losing by a last second field goal. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 21

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Derek Anderson cracks me up. Rams 24, Cardinals 12

COWBOYS AT COLTS – So it’s all over for Peyton Manning, huh? Colts 29, Cowboys 19

PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – Jimmy Clausen plays just well enough to make the Panthers think about passing on Andrew Luck. Good luck with that. Seahawks 27, Panthers 23

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Ed Reed intercepts Ben Roethlisberger and scores on the last play of the game. Ray Lewis forgets to breathe. Ravens 27, Steelers 17

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick and Rob Ryan plan to remake all of Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin movies. Patriots 27, Jets 25

—

This column is sponsored by Qatar Guitars & Gutters.

—

These week 12 NFL Picks can’t dance, but they are related to a turkey. For those of you hating on these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey, now is your last chance to shoot your television before these NFL picks flip you the middle finger.

Let the dancing begin. First up are Brad Childress and Brett Favre dancing to the song, “Taps.” Gosh, that was inspirational.

Now, Vince Young and Jeff Fisher will perform a literal version of The Nutcracker. Ouch.

Finally, these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey are going to perform a lovely dance in which one is going to die, get cooked, and then eaten. Sort of like the previous two dances.

That’s whatzgonnahappen.

PATRIOTS AT LIONS – Lion at Thanksgiving again? Aw Grandma, can’t we ever have a turkey? Patriots 34, Lions 20

SAINTS AT COWBOYS – Wade Phillips is reincarnated as a dead turkey, and then as the recurring spirit of this year’s Cowboy’s team. Saints 36, Cowboys 13

BENGALS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez won’t need to climb out of a phone booth this week. Jets 27, Bengals 17

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Schadenfreude is a good word. Redskins 23, Vikings 20

STEELERS AT BILLS – The Bills lose the game, but first take turns slapping Ben Roethlisberger upside the head. Steelers 23, Bills 14

TITANS AT TEXANS – Vince Young is replaced by Neil Young. Texans 26, Titans 19

JAGUARS AT GIANTS – Eli dives and doesn’t fumble. Maurice Jones-Drew discovers what it is like to be tackled. Giants 25, Jaguars 18

PANTHERS AT BROWNS – Peyton Hillis carries the balls 35 times. The Browns quarterback, whatshisname, hardly needs to throw. Grandma suffers a high ankle sprain delivering the turkey. Browns 28, Panthers 19

BUCCANEERS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis makes it over the river, but he doesn’t get through the woods. Surprisingly, the Ravens don’t get to Grandma’s house either. Buccaneers 23, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BEARS – Mike Vick running reckless is scary. Fun, but scary. I predict he plays less than MVP-like this week. Bears 24, Eagles 21

PACKERS AT FALCONS – If Brett Favre hadn’t sucked all the oxygen out of the media, someone would have noticed these two young quarterbacks. Packers 26, Falcons 24

DOLPHINS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders confuse me, but I’m now a Richard Seymour fan. Raiders 19, Dolphins 16

CHIEFS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll tars and feathers himself as an inspirational halftime stunt. Seahawks 26, Chiefs 13

RAMS AT BRONCOS – Brady Quinn is named the Broncos starting, um, waterboy. Tim Tebow is named Tim Tebow. Broncos 24, Rams 20

CHARGERS AT COLTS – After God created beer, He invented the NFL. Games like this are why. Chargers 29, Colts 27

49ers AT CARDINALS – No one is giving thanks for this game. Yeah, Happy Thanksfornothing. Cardinals 10, 49ers 9

—

This column is sponsored by stuff that happened 20 years ago, and alcohol.

– John Hiatt

—

These Week 10 NFL Picks thought the world liked us, but the Picks just made a mental note of everything the world has said.

China just laughed at us, and South Korea said see ya later. It may appear right now like we are no longer a super power among the world’s most powerful NFL pickers.

But these week 10 NFL Picks are still relevant because we said we are. Plus,  just like Braylon Edwards and Lebron James, these Picks remember everything that anyone ever said or wrote about them. (As a side note, these Week 10 NFL Picks would like to thank Lebron James and Braylon Edwards for actually remembering everything the Picks said. The Picks are flattered by the personal attention.)

Plus when China accused us of overvaluing our currency, they were wrong. The Cleveland Browns are on a winning streak. Currency is rising in value because wins have been pumped into the economy.

The truth is that China used child labor to manufacture the malfunctioning Dallas Cowboys with lead paint and poison fixtures and now the Asian giant from wants to pass the blame for their inflated currency. Get this, China actually has the nerve to call the Dallas Cowboys “America’s Team.” America’s team was made in China, just like everything at Wal-Mart.

So these Picks will be returning to America soon, proud of all the nothing that they accomplished on their overseas trip. Then we’ll find out whatzgonnahappen.

RAVENS AT FALCONS – Ray Lewis has a fatally accurate premonition. Falcons 26, Ravens 21

LIONS AT BILLS – Matthew Stafford wonders who has the voodoo doll. Meanwhile, sure it’s sinking to the bottom of the ocean. But I am staying on the Bills bandwagon. Bills 24, Lions 20

VIKINGS AT BEARS – It’s time for some more mid-season late game Favre heroics. It’s part of the dramatic plot that will make his inevitable end-of-the-year throw-the-season-away interception mean so much. Vikings 24, Bears 23

BYE AT PACKERS – Jerry Jones is elected to the Packers Hall of Fame.

JETS AT BROWNS – Colt McCoy and Peyton Hillis act like Joe Theismann and John Riggins. In the second half, they act like Bob Griese and Larry Csonka. Braylon Edwards drops the ball. Rob Ryan says he remembers being in the womb and drinking all the smart chromosomes. Browns 30, Jets 16

BENGALS AT COLTS – Here’s an idea for a reality show: Loser’s Locker room. Colts 34, Bengals 20

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – The winner gets to kiss their sister. Jaguars 26, Texans 24

BYE AT SAINTS – They must make those Hurricanes strong on Bourbon Street if Saints fans think everything is alright.

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Randy Moss has learned not to buy green bananas in any particular city. And he brings the “L” column with him. Chad Pennington is still accurate. Dolphins 23, Titans 17

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Jimmy Clausen joins the Sam Bradford Fanclub and the Colt McCoy Fanclub. Buccaneers 21, Panthers 10

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Jamaal Charles runs into Josh McDaniels increasingly crowded nightmare. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21

BYE AT CHARGERS – In early November, the Chargers move the clock to September.

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Derek Anderson finds a great game hidden in his repertoire of garbage play. Cardinals 28, Seahawks 17.

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – Jason Garrett tries out for The Apprentice just so he can get used to hearing those words: “You’re fired.” Giants 30, Cowboys 12

RAMS AT 49ers – Although I like it when the 49ers lose and Mike Singletary tries to pull screwdriver out of his ear, Troy Smith and Frank Gore will allow the tool to stay in his head and maybe tighten some of the loose screws.  49ers 24, Rams 18

BYE AT RAIDERS – The new Raider’s slogan: “Wow. Really?”

PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – The Patriots could use a speed receiver to stretch the field. Where do you find one of those? Steelers 27, Patriots 17

EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Donovan McNabb discovers Nancy Pelosi is more popular than he is. Redskins 23, Eagles 20

–

This column is sponsored by turkey diaries.

– Cheap Trick

—

These week 9 NFL picks want to thank you for your vote, and remind you that we are going to fix everything just like we did the last time we ran things.

We just heard from our opponent, the incumbent, and we have accepted his congratulations. We’d like to thank him for a tough campaign, but now it’s time to cut spending and take our column back.

So the first change is if you are sick and need medication to enhance your performance, tough luck. Got that, Shawne Merriman? Next, remember that banks and corporations  are people too. See Randy Moss, the organization actually is more important than your titanic talent. Finally, no matter what happens, at heart we are all patriots and the Patriots seem to always win. So that’s comforting, I guess.

I’d personally like to thank my colleagues for electing me as the  Speaker of the Column. It is quite an honor. I know that the media’s first question is, why is my skin orange? It is because I am a Cleveland Browns fan.

Our first cost-cutting measure as the party in charge of this column is to outsource these picks to Halliburton. It was clear that British Petroleum didn’t know what they were doing, and the government takeover, known as ObamaPicks, was also a failure. No one I know felt stimulated. So we’ve gone to Halliburton,  the only bidder. Trust us. We think they know what they’re doing. And they should for what we’re paying them! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT PANTHERS – The Saints finally woke up. The Panthers have swallowed a Panther tranquilizer. Saints 31, Panthers 10

PATRIOTS AT BROWNS – The Browns 1970s on-the-ground offense outscores the legend.  The defense is opportunistic and the Browns quarterback, whatshisname, outplays the legend. After the game, Eric Mangini hands Bill Belichick a gift videotape of their time working together. Browns 20, Patriots 17

BYE AT BRONCOS – Every kid that came to Josh McDaniels house on Halloween was wearing a Tim Tebow jersey.

JETS AT LIONS – Here is another serving of humble pie, Mr. Ryan. Lions 28, Jets 23

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – This is what is sounds like when you pop a balloon. Falcons 27, Buccaneers 19

BYE AT JAGUARS – The petition asking to play the Cowboys again is denied.

DOLPHINS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis dies of voter fatigue after the battle of two young over-rated quarterbacks is decided by the Ravens defense. Ravens 19, Dolphins 12.

CARDINALS AT VIKINGS – Brad Childress cuts the janitor. When he gets home, he announces to the family that he is cutting the dog. Vikings 24, Cardinals 14

BYE AT RAMS – Sometimes change actually does bring hope.

BEARS AT BILLS – If I am starting an NFL team, I’ll take Ryan Fitzpatrick over Jay Cutler every day of the week. Maybe that is why I am not running an NFL team on any day of the week. My fantasy team fired me. Bills 24, Bears 16

CHARGERS AT TEXANS – Philip Rivers, the modern Bernie Kosar, is as good as any quarterback in the league. His coach, however, is like a bartender pouring draft Pabst Blue Ribbon. Chargers 37, Texans 23

BYE AT 49ers – I believe in Troy Smith. But if he hadn’t played well in London, Tim Lincicum would be the next 49ers quarterback. Hey, Mike Singletary watched the World Series, and his strategy appears to be stubborn spontaneity.

GIANTS AT SEAHAWKS – You know what would be a fun reality show? If Tom Coughlin and Pete Carroll had to be roommates. Giants 24, Seahawks 18

COLTS AT EAGLES – I can’t think of a reason why Michael Vick shouldn’t return to being the best (yes, even in this game) quarterback in this season’s NFL. Eagles 29, Colts 27

BYE AT TITANS – Randy Moss caters the food.

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Len Dawson versus Daryl Lamonica. Oh man, those were the days. What? Oh, sorry, I was dreaming of when this game was relevant. What? It is again? You’re kidding, right? Chiefs 21, Raiders 20

COWBOYS AT PACKERS – Like you, I wonder about the pictures Wade Philips has of Jerry Jones. Packers 25, Cowboys 17

BYE AT REDSKINS – They voted the bums out and replaced them with different bums. Are you listening Donovan? Rex?

STEELERS AT BENGALS – In a pre-game conference, the officials award the Steelers 7 points to start the game.

—

This column is sponsored by the mathematical symbol for infinity.