– Bob Dylan

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The ancient Mayans and Nostradamus are Cleveland Browns fans who met on Facebook. They went to Applebee’s to predict Super Bowl XLV. They were tied in their fantasy league.

The ancient Mayans used an iPhone prophecy app , common in their time, to predict the outcome of the Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Green Bay Packers. Nostradamus called over the bartender. He ordered a round of beers, sweet tarot cards, and a genuine replica crystal ball. It was sacred religious moment. Sacred secular too. Money was exchanged.

Nostradamus pulled out his iPad and googled “visions.” The bartender brought him a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bartender mistook Nostradamus for a hipster. A gypsy woman brought the tarot cards and a genuine replica crystal ball purchased on eBay. She sat and joined the boys and watched a commercial on the flatscreen TV. Her name was Gypsy Jones.

The ancient Mayans tipped the bartender: “Exercise is good for you,” they all said in unison.

While Nostradamus searched websites for a vision, the ancient Mayans bragged to him of their choice of technology. “The great time-traveling Steve Jobs visited us first,” they said.

“Yeah, he brought you that crappy first-generation iPhone,” said Nostradamus, all snarky like. Suddenly he barked, “I got it! Oh wait. Wrong site. I found the end of the world as we know it.”

The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones already knew of the impending demise of the 16-week NFL season. Like all sports fans, they hated knowing about upcoming labor disputes almost as much as they hated politicians that started predictable wars. They complained of headaches.

Nostradamus guzzled his PBR. He stroked his long gray beard and searched some more. Suddenly he stopped and his eyes teared up. The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones rushed to his side. “I am a seer of the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl in the year…” But Nostradamus couldn’t finish. He was overcome with emotion. He added, simply, “I have discovered Whatzgonnahappen.”

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PREGAME: Keith Urban tweets a duet with fans on smartphones around the world. Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem, but when she gets to the line, “the home of the brave,” Maurice Jones-Drew runs on the stage like Kayne West and asks if she means Jay Cutler too?

COIN FLIP: “Hold on,” says the referee. “We’re trying to borrow a coin from China.” When they finally locate a coin, both Clay Mathews and Troy Polamalu call “Hair.” Packers ball, by a hair.

FIRST QUARTER: Aaron Rodgers drives the Packers to the Steelers 20 and then tosses an interception to Polamalu. Ben Roethlisberger can’t be found at the beginning of the game because he’s in the bathroom with a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Standing guard outside the bathroom is Brett Favre. Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends Big Ben for the first six minutes of the game. When Roethlisberger returns, he proves adept at handing the ball off to Rashard Mendenhall. Packer 0, Steelers 7

SECOND QUARTER: Aaron Rogers hits the fleet and sure-handed B.J. Raji on a deep out pattern for 25 yards. On the next play as Donald Driver crosses the middle, James Harrison tries to give a clinic on helmet-to-helmet hits. But the receiver quickly and legally (like the Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/Johnson) changes his name to “Donald Duck.” In fact, the Packers score two touchdowns and a field goal, mostly on the arm of their quarterback. James Starks discovers that a Steel Curtain has descended. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger hates long-haired blond linebackers. Packers 17, Steelers 10

HALFTIME: The Black-Eyed Peas dedicate their hit, “Let’s Get Retarded” to the First Amendment, the Tea Party, everyone waving a Terrible Towel.

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THIRD QUARTER: After taking the kickoff to the 31, Roethlisberger starts throwing to tight end Heath Miller. Someone with a cheesehead commences nervously eating their hat. By the time Hines Ward catches a two-yard touchdown pass, the hat is gone. There is only a cracker. At this point, defense takes over for both teams. Just before the quarter ends, Brett Favre tries to sneak into the Packers huddle wearing a Groucho Marx nose and glasses. Packers 17, Steelers 17

FOURTH QUARTER: Fox shows a promo for their reality show, “Bart Starr Punches Terry Bradshaw in the Nose.” John Madden returns for a cameo: “Pow!” he says.  On the field, the game turns into a battle of field position and stalling offenses. Each team punts three times. Each team misses one field goal. It is time to test the new overtime rules.  Packers 17, Steelers 17

OVERTIME: The Steelers get the ball first and drive to the 18. On fourth and 4, the Steelers kick a field goal and Ben Roethlisberger starts yelling, “I’m going to Disney World!” But Ben wasn’t on the active roster when the team explained the new overtime rules. After a touchback, the Packers start at their own 20 and Rodgers throws four complete passes in a row to drive to the Steelers 20. On each pass, Harrison just misses getting to Rodgers. On each pass, Polamalu just misses an interception. Rodgers is doing it on purpose. He is penalized for taunting. With the ball at the 35, he hits Donald Driver in the back of the end zone. The ball flies one inch over Polamalu’s reach.  Packers 23, Steelers 20

POSTGAME: Brett Favre interrupts the presentation of the Lombardi trophy to announce he is ending his retirement. Bears fan Barack Obama tells the Packers they are not welcome at the White House.

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This column is sponsored by Freecheezeburgerz.

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The obvious solution to America’s problems is to repeal the 2010 NFL season, and start the race to the 2011 NFL Conference Championship games over again.

Favorable ratings for this NFL season are down to four cities. That’s not a majority of Americans. That’s elitist.

What about the Patriots? Must the Patriots go the Super Bowl Store like everybody else? And the Saints? My God, they are Saints!

Conference Championship games without representation are tyranny. My favorite team is not represented. I am calling for second-round draft choice solutions. Would you like some tea? Oh I’m sorry, I threw the tea in the ocean. Have some tap water.

I actually want to repeal the season because I am in favor of the public option to go to the Super Bowl. I am a poor Cleveland Browns fan. It’s clear that my team is not going to make the Super Bowl without public assistance.

If America shows some responsibility and reaches out and helps, someday my favorite team will win the Super Bowl. Repeal the season! I want my NFL back to how it was in the 1950s.

I know that’s whatzgonnahappen.

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PACKERS AT BEARS – General Lee and General Grant would be on different sides. The history books say that Lee was a Cheesehead. The Hatfields and the McCoys would certainly root for different teams. And while the Midwest quakes like an artery full of bratwurst, the opening quarter will belong to Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears. And so will the third quarter. By the fourth quarter, Aaron Rodgers will discover that the ghost of Brett Favre hasn’t left completely. Matt Forte goes up the middle more than a groom on his wedding night. Bears 24, Packers 21

JETS AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger and Rex Ryan conduct a foot etiquette seminar in the locked bathroom of a Taco Bell. Afterward, both agree that the fantasy was better than the awkward reality. After Troy Polamalu returns Mark Sanchez’s third pass for an pick-six touchdown, Sanchez settles down. Ben Roethlisberger never looks comfortable all game, and he underthrows Mike Wallace as if he was Morley Safer. Meanwhile Sanchez has two key third quarter throws to Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes to set up Midtown Manhattan limousine ride, I mean a touchdown. Jets 20, Steelers 17

BYE AT BROWNS – What are these playoffs you speak of? I am sorry, I am not from your country.

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This column is sponsored by an investment from China.

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I did not just ride in here on a snowflake. I am a snowflake. I am a flake with the best NFL Divisional picks in America.

I am a flake leading the snowflake movement. We have NFL Divisional pick rallies featuring harsh rhetoric and blowhard wind. But don’t blame us when snowmen go bad.

Snowflakes, as you know, influence the NFL. Before and during the playoffs we hold conventions, known by the technical types as clouds, and we decide where to fall.

We hate domed stadiums and we especially hate the Minnesota Vikings for signing Brett Favre. We hate the Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns too. But remember that those teams play on Lake Erie; the Bermuda triangle of the North. And yes, the triangle pays us a royalty so, in fact, we collaborate.

We hate a lot of things. But we love mittens. And mittens rhyme with kittens. So go on, try to argue with that logic. Yeah, that’s right – snow is righteous because of our logic so if you argue you’ll find yourself shoveling out. See? See? It’s all from the prophecies of a really old book, so it must be absolutely true because… well, because that book is so old.

But now it is the playoffs and it’s time for this flake to pick NFL Divisional games. First, we wonder should we fall on any games at all? To us, it’s an existential question until it becomes one of logistics.  Sometimes, it’s hard to rally the flakes.

We’ve had to outsource to China. It’s embarrassing, but only to us flakes. For instance, on January 19, 2002 most of the snow falling in New England came from China. That’s right, Bob Kraft brought in Chinese snow for the tuck rule game. We actually created the tuck rule. Shh. Few people outside of the everyone in the media have ever heard this before.

This year, we flakes are thinking of causing a fumble unless we can find a new rule to help the Patriots win. We’re scouring the rule book because we are snow and we like New England. Fist bump! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

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RAVENS AT STEELERS – This is my own private playoff hell – a game between two teams spawned by the gridiron Satan. While Ben Roethlisberger and Ray Lewis are football’s Lucifer twins, the game itself is full of fire and brimstone. So when Ray Lewis comes down with fatal gout,  Ed Reed plays as if he has extra feet, just like he was taught by Rex Ryan. But it’s the other safety, the shampoo pitchman, who makes the biggest play of the game. Steelers 20, Ravens 17

PACKERS AT FALCONS – As much as I thought I’d pick the Packers, my Watergate source tells me that BC will sweep the NFC. Therefore yes, you already know whatzgonnahappen in the next game down. Listen, I know people who know people and those people told my people that these playoffs like most of sports history for the past few years will revolve around Boston athletes. Matt Ryan went to Boston College. Aaron Rodgers didn’t. That clinches it. That and Michael Turner. Falcons 31, Packers 28

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Matt Hasselbeck went to Boston College. Jay Cutler cannot spell “college.” The Seahawks are now on a epic roll and Marshawn Lynch has clinched his place as an NFL films folk hero. I could watch replays of his run last week 50 times in a row and never get bored. So yes, I am pumped and jacked about Seahawks and their college coach, Pete Carroll, who used to coach in Boston so that’s more of that New England karma that seems to be everywhere in sports these days. Seahawks 27, Bears 21

JETS AT PATRIOTS – In the first quarter, Rex Ryan scores on power sweep. On the next series, Bill Belichick takes a screen pass from Tom Brady and goes all the way. Rex Ryan was right. This game is all about Ryan versus Belichick. In fact, the Jets performance in the game is a reminder to the NFL world that one coach is an actual football genius while the other had a reality TV show. Patriots 30, Jets 20

BYE AT BROWNS – Browns fans celebrate that they haven’t lost in the playoffs in years.

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This column is sponsored by United Hobos of America.