These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT EAGLES – Paper bag head coverings required at all Eagle games. Bengals 34, Eagles 13

REDSKINS AT BROWNS – Robert Griffin III, or Kirk Cousins, gets smothered by the Browns defense. Josh Gordon, already the best Browns receiver in decades, scores three touchdowns. Browns Super Bowl parade plans begin to take shape. Browns 40, Redskins 20

GIANTS AT FALCONS – One team has a backbone, and the other is the Falcons. Giants 31, Falcons 21

VIKINGS AT RAMS – Adrian Peterson is super awesome. Sam Bradford is better than adequate. But Christian Ponder is Santa Claus, giving the game away. Rams 17, Vikings 14

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Jonathan Vilma, A Football Life, coming soon on The NFL Network. Saints 51, Buccaneers 41

JAGUARS AT DOLPHINS – I suppose people in Florida care about this, but if I’m in Florida and this game is going on, I am heading to the beach with the radio off. Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17

COLTS AT TEXANS – The Colts and Texans compare We-got-our-ass-whipped-by-the-Patriots notes. Texans 30, Colts 23

PACKERS AT BEARS – For me, the Packers remain the most dangerous team in the NFC. The Bears, at times, can be almost that good. Packers 40, Bears 38

BRONCOS AT RAVENS – Fire the offensive coordinator? Check. Win? Win? Bueller? And then Ray Lewis is mugged by a gang mall elves. Broncos 25, Ravens 23

PANTHERS AT CHARGERS – The sun sets in the west. Panthers 29, Chargers 23

SEAHAWKS AT BILLS – In my gut, I feel an upset. Either that, or someone fed me bad bacon. Bills 24, Seahawks 17

LIONS AT CARDINALS – No sane person would pick the Cardinals to win. Cardinals 24, Lions 20

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – At halftime, the two teams throw rocks at each other. Raiders 9, Chiefs 6

STEELERS AT COWBOYS – Two very untrustworthy teams. Overall, the Cowboys should be better. Yeah, middle of December against a peripheral AFC playoff team is about as big of a win as the Cowboys are capable of. Cowboys 27, Steelers 24

49ers AT PATRIOTS – For the last few weeks, it’s been all red carpets and roses for the Patriots offense. This may be a little tougher of a game, but watching Tom Brady is like watching Michael Jordan. Awwwww and then some. Patriots 30, 49ers 17

JETS AT TITANS – This is what passes for Monday Night Football – another Sanchez butt tackle? Another American institution in ruins. Titans 21, Jets 20

–

This column is sponsored by A Day Without Guns.

–

Please check out this new new website for my book on The North Face with Hap Klopp! http://hapklopp.com/

Thank you!

http://www.facebook.com/ConqueringTheNorthFace

– Bob Dylan

—

The ancient Mayans and Nostradamus are Cleveland Browns fans who met on Facebook. They went to Applebee’s to predict Super Bowl XLV. They were tied in their fantasy league.

The ancient Mayans used an iPhone prophecy app , common in their time, to predict the outcome of the Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Green Bay Packers. Nostradamus called over the bartender. He ordered a round of beers, sweet tarot cards, and a genuine replica crystal ball. It was sacred religious moment. Sacred secular too. Money was exchanged.

Nostradamus pulled out his iPad and googled “visions.” The bartender brought him a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bartender mistook Nostradamus for a hipster. A gypsy woman brought the tarot cards and a genuine replica crystal ball purchased on eBay. She sat and joined the boys and watched a commercial on the flatscreen TV. Her name was Gypsy Jones.

The ancient Mayans tipped the bartender: “Exercise is good for you,” they all said in unison.

While Nostradamus searched websites for a vision, the ancient Mayans bragged to him of their choice of technology. “The great time-traveling Steve Jobs visited us first,” they said.

“Yeah, he brought you that crappy first-generation iPhone,” said Nostradamus, all snarky like. Suddenly he barked, “I got it! Oh wait. Wrong site. I found the end of the world as we know it.”

The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones already knew of the impending demise of the 16-week NFL season. Like all sports fans, they hated knowing about upcoming labor disputes almost as much as they hated politicians that started predictable wars. They complained of headaches.

Nostradamus guzzled his PBR. He stroked his long gray beard and searched some more. Suddenly he stopped and his eyes teared up. The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones rushed to his side. “I am a seer of the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl in the year…” But Nostradamus couldn’t finish. He was overcome with emotion. He added, simply, “I have discovered Whatzgonnahappen.”

—

PREGAME: Keith Urban tweets a duet with fans on smartphones around the world. Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem, but when she gets to the line, “the home of the brave,” Maurice Jones-Drew runs on the stage like Kayne West and asks if she means Jay Cutler too?

COIN FLIP: “Hold on,” says the referee. “We’re trying to borrow a coin from China.” When they finally locate a coin, both Clay Mathews and Troy Polamalu call “Hair.” Packers ball, by a hair.

FIRST QUARTER: Aaron Rodgers drives the Packers to the Steelers 20 and then tosses an interception to Polamalu. Ben Roethlisberger can’t be found at the beginning of the game because he’s in the bathroom with a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Standing guard outside the bathroom is Brett Favre. Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends Big Ben for the first six minutes of the game. When Roethlisberger returns, he proves adept at handing the ball off to Rashard Mendenhall. Packer 0, Steelers 7

SECOND QUARTER: Aaron Rogers hits the fleet and sure-handed B.J. Raji on a deep out pattern for 25 yards. On the next play as Donald Driver crosses the middle, James Harrison tries to give a clinic on helmet-to-helmet hits. But the receiver quickly and legally (like the Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/Johnson) changes his name to “Donald Duck.” In fact, the Packers score two touchdowns and a field goal, mostly on the arm of their quarterback. James Starks discovers that a Steel Curtain has descended. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger hates long-haired blond linebackers. Packers 17, Steelers 10

HALFTIME: The Black-Eyed Peas dedicate their hit, “Let’s Get Retarded” to the First Amendment, the Tea Party, everyone waving a Terrible Towel.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THIRD QUARTER: After taking the kickoff to the 31, Roethlisberger starts throwing to tight end Heath Miller. Someone with a cheesehead commences nervously eating their hat. By the time Hines Ward catches a two-yard touchdown pass, the hat is gone. There is only a cracker. At this point, defense takes over for both teams. Just before the quarter ends, Brett Favre tries to sneak into the Packers huddle wearing a Groucho Marx nose and glasses. Packers 17, Steelers 17

FOURTH QUARTER: Fox shows a promo for their reality show, “Bart Starr Punches Terry Bradshaw in the Nose.” John Madden returns for a cameo: “Pow!” he says.  On the field, the game turns into a battle of field position and stalling offenses. Each team punts three times. Each team misses one field goal. It is time to test the new overtime rules.  Packers 17, Steelers 17

OVERTIME: The Steelers get the ball first and drive to the 18. On fourth and 4, the Steelers kick a field goal and Ben Roethlisberger starts yelling, “I’m going to Disney World!” But Ben wasn’t on the active roster when the team explained the new overtime rules. After a touchback, the Packers start at their own 20 and Rodgers throws four complete passes in a row to drive to the Steelers 20. On each pass, Harrison just misses getting to Rodgers. On each pass, Polamalu just misses an interception. Rodgers is doing it on purpose. He is penalized for taunting. With the ball at the 35, he hits Donald Driver in the back of the end zone. The ball flies one inch over Polamalu’s reach.  Packers 23, Steelers 20

POSTGAME: Brett Favre interrupts the presentation of the Lombardi trophy to announce he is ending his retirement. Bears fan Barack Obama tells the Packers they are not welcome at the White House.

—

This column is sponsored by Freecheezeburgerz.