These week 10 NFL Picks call on our divided nation to stop the partisan bickering and help  the Cleveland Browns go forward. Four more years of this? Really?

That’s what you want? Me and John Boehner spitting at each week after week other over the Browns offensive game plan? Fine, let me read Sharia law and see what I should do now. Food stamps for everybody! I’ll call the United Nations for advice after I marry the love of my life, Hugo Chavez. Hey, I just sold Kansas to China! I’m kidding, Rush.

No one knows it, but Rush Limbaugh and I are good friends. I am good for his career and, well, he has been great for mine.

But I am talking about the future of the Cleveland Browns and how I plan to get them to the upcoming Super Bowl. This is why you elected me. I watched the results. Thank you Cuyahoga County!

Hope and dreams? No. Reality and science. This campaign to get the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl in New Orleans is based on arithmetic, and now that America has endorsed my quest to restore the Cleveland Browns to greatness, all I can say is, forward.

Oh, I said that already? Well, forward pass. Or run. Either way, you should know that my opponent, Mitt Romney called and congratulated me and he said you should pray for me. That’s the first good idea he’s ever had.

I am glad that he was gracious in defeat. The Cleveland Browns are often gracious in defeat. Perhaps a bit too often. Maybe we should pray for them too. Or maybe they should just take a page from my campaign, and attack the teams that are rich with wins, and force them to pay their fair share of losses. That’s right, I am a socialist. You are surprised?

Finally, I would especially like to thank those visiting from France and Kenya who voted early and often. Sure, I stole the election. You are surprised? No, you are not surprised. You vote, and, no matter what they say, you determine whatzgonnahappen.

COLTS AT JAGUARS – The Good Karma Express is about to run over a dead cat. Colts 24, Jaguars 14

BRONCOS AT PANTHERS – Peyton Manning is on a roll. Cam Newton is on a couch talking about his problems. Broncos 28, Panthers 14

BYE AT BROWNS – Drawing up plans for the Super Bowl parade.

GIANTS AT BENGALS – November is never kind to the Giants. But the Bengals are. Giants 30, Bengals 20

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins find it easy to right their ship because the Titans are a sinking ship. Dolphins 27, Titans 17

BYE AT CARDINALS – Larry Fitzgerald tries puts a uniform on the Jugs machine, then tells the coach he found a new quarterback.

LIONS AT VIKINGS – The momentum see-saw has see-sawed. Lions 30, Vikings 28

RAIDERS AT RAVENS – The Raiders can’t stop anybody. The Ravens are anybody. Ray Lewis mistakenly befriends a linebacker-killing serial killer. Ravens 28, Raiders 20

BYE AT PACKERS – Obamacare is in full effect in Wisconsin.

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Some years, the Bills give the Patriots trouble. This is not one of those years. Patriots 38, Bills 17

CHARGERS AT BUCCANEERS – I believe in momentum, and I believe the Chargers victory over the Chiefs last week doesn’t count towards that. Buccaneers 30, Chargers 10

BYE AT REDSKINS – The real Redskins rule is that Daniel Snyder will somehow find a way to mess things up.

FALCONS AT SAINTS – The Saints, who I used to really like, annoy me. The Falcons, who used to annoy me, I like. Falcons 38, Saints 31

JETS AT SEAHAWKS – Mark Sanchez used to play for Pete Carroll. One way or another, Mark Sanchez will soon be past tense with Rex Ryan too. Seahawks 20, Jets 17

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – The Prozac Bowl. When did Andy Reid morph into Yosemite Sam?  Cowboys 17, Eagles 13

RAMS AT 49ers – The Rams are coming off of a bye week. So are the 49ers. Goodbye Rams. 49ers 28, Rams 14

TEXANS AT BEARS – The Bears defense is opportunistic, but the Texans won’t offer any opportunities. Jay Cutler might. Texans 21, Bears 20

CHIEFS AT STEELERS – I thought nationally televised executions were illegal. Steelers 41, Chiefs 20

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These week 9 NFL picks should be worried about the zombie apocalypse election now that Frankenstorm has passed. But the Cleveland Browns won, so no worries.

According to a tweet from a twit, FEMA officially tweaked Tim Tebow to treat the blown away and loss-flooded New York Jets, while fat partisan gridlock caused by the large heroic presence of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has saved thousands of lives of Jets fans who planned to toss themselves off of the George Washington Bridge. Tremendous! Or terrifying. One of those.

None of this is true, except for the parts that are. I do have worries. I hide them well. Freak storms and big elections scare me. I’ve seen the damage both can do, and so it is more fun to worry about the little things, like whether my favorite football team has finally turned the corner. The Cleveland Browns won last week. No worries.

The ancient Mayans are supposed to worry me. It’s getting to that time of year again. Another end of the world is almost here, or did the ancient Mayans predict something bad about the Cleveland Browns? Either way, the ancient Mayans were wrong, dead wrong. The Browns are way better than the ancient Mayans thought they’d be. Therefore the ancient Mayans were wrong. The ancient Mayans are also dead. That equals dead wrong.

Speaking of dead wrong, the upcoming zombie apocalypse election is being billed by the lamestream media as a mere election. Some call it the most important election of our lifetime. But few have the courage to call it what it is, a zombie apocalypse election that features a contest between the living and the undead.

The choice between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is as clear of a choice as this week’s battle between the Cleveland Browns and the evil Baltimore Ravens. Let’s just say that the stimulus is working.

Everything I just wrote is an attention-deficit disorder lie, wrapped around an attention-starved conundrum. Except for the parts about the scary election, and the Cleveland Browns winning. Those are true.

Next up, Christmasegeddon. And that’s whatzgonnahappen.

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – This game could put the NFL Network out of business. Horrible versus Pathetic. Go with Pathetic. Chargers 26, Chiefs 10

RAVENS AT BROWNS – This is the weekend the balance of power shifts in the AFC North. The Browns are red-hot. Blistering. Two wins in their last three games. The Ravens are evil and injured. Art Modell is dead. Jimmy Haslam owns the Browns. I smell Super Bowl! Or maybe just Ray Lewis’s rotting corpse. How did he die this week? It’s a whodunit. You make the call. Browns 34, Ravens 23

BYE AT JETS – The “Book of Tebow” was set to open on Broadway, but Rex Ryan decides to let “Sanchez’ Cats” run for a few more weeks.

CARDINALS AT PACKERS – The Cardinals has seven rushing yards last week, and they gave up four sacks. Quarterback John Skelton is aptly named. Packers 33, Cardinals 17

BILLS AT TEXANS – Remember how the NFL is now a passing league and the run is not important? The team that runs the ball the most in the NFL is the 6-1 Texans. This could be a trap game, but the Texans are too balanced for traps. Texans 30, Bills 20

BYE AT RAMS – The Rams discover, way too late, that even though they were in England last week, they were supposed to try to play American football, not soccer. Sure, they lost 45-7, but 7 usually wins in a soccer game.

DOLPHINS AT COLTS – Football is an emotional game and “Win For Chuck” seems to have some mojo. Colts 24, Dolphins 21

BEARS AT TITANS – This looks like a trap game and Jay Cutler has an aching need to melt, until he proves otherwise. Titans 27, Bears 17

BYE AT 49ers – Pablo Sandoval is brought in to help the defense, because who doesn’t want a guy that hits like that?

LIONS AT JAGUARS – When Joe Biden said, “That’s a bunch of malarkey,” was he talking about Mike Mularkey’s touchdown celebration ban, or just the Jaguars in general? Lions 41, Jaguars 10

PANTHERS AT REDSKINS – Cam Newton shows Robert Griffin III a thing or do about magic and sends Washington DC home miserable for the days before the election. Future political scientists will call it the Cam Newton effect. Panthers 27, Redskins 21

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Star quarterback Tom Brady spends time with his supermodel wife. In other words, he spends his time as a cliché. That’s why clichés are popular.  Bill Belichick writes a list. First thing on the list: Never panic.

BRONCOS AT BENGALS – Peyton Manning’s statistics and his wins are back. I still don’t believe he throws the ball the same, but the Bengals, even rested after a bye, are not the toughest test. Broncos 28, Bengals 27

BUCCANEERS AT RAIDERS – The Bucaneers might be coming back to life and the Raiders can only beat teams without any life. Buccaneers 23, Raiders 20.

VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – Logic says the Seahawks at home should fix things against the suddenly struggling Vikings, but no one has called me by my nickname, Aristotle, in years. Vikings 27, Seahawks 24

STEELERS AT GIANTS – I wish the Steelers always wore the prison-yard uniforms that they wore last week. This week, it will just feel like the are trapped and can’t get out. Giants 31, Steelers 19

COWBOYS AT FALCONS – Mitt Romney has Mittmentum, but it’s doomed to failure. Mattmentum, however, looks good to go. The Falcons are going lose, but not to the dysfunctional Cowboys counting on Dez Bryant’s hands. Falcons 27, Cowboys 21

EAGLES AT SAINTS – The Saints cannot defend against anyone, not even the Eagles. But the Eagles can stop themselves. They can’t stop the Saints. Saints 41, Eagles 31

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These 2012 NFL season picks are the result of a banging-my-head-against-the-wall concussion I got after the NFL announced it’s Violence Austerity Program.

I imagine someone at ESPN was watching me slam my bumpy, dumb head against the wall and gleefully shouted, “Jacked up!” The head-on-wall hits made me into a Cleveland Browns dynasty-clairvoyant, which helped me get a Nike sneaker deal. But mostly I did it for your adulation.

T

Therefore I am now ready to predict the upcoming bullfighting season, I mean the NFL. Sure, my mental health is a laughing matter. But the struggle of my football heroes is not. And yet, how did they get to become my football heroes?  It’s no small moral dilemma.

It turns out that the official NFL name is the Violence Austerity Program In Denial (VAPID), which is sort of like AA, only it involves a 16-step program that closely resembles an NFL season. There are sincere attempts to cut back entitlement programs such as head-on-head collisions, and heroic quick returns from injuries, but there is also pushback. Street demonstrations are expected on James Harrison’s street.

Yet here I am with pinwheel eyes ready to predict this season in the NFL because I want stimulus, not austerity. Heck, I don’t even know what I am talking about. It’s all Greek to me.

I want to take a community college class in Tebowing so I can justify the simplistic explanation that bounty money was the root of all evil for the New Orleans Saints. I liked the loveable save-the-hurricane-infested-city Saints a whole lot more than the evil take-out-the-head Saints, even though they both have the same funny name – Saints.

Jacked up! Jacked up motherfucker!

Sorry about that. It’s the first time I’ve ever cursed in this column. Ever since I hurt my head by voluntarily banging it against a wall, I can’t control what I say. I again apologize plus I announce that I plan to sue the wall, or the maker of the wall, or maybe you.

I get so confused about right and wrong. I love the NFL. It is my Sunday religion. That’s how I know about the Saints.  But I hear a bell ringing in my head and I don’t think it’s a church bell. It’s my own interior bell, and it has been rung.

So for now and now only, I am a clairvoyant with future plausible deniability and a nasty desire to hit you upside the head with another Browns-dynasty version of whatzgonnahappen.

AFC

EAST
PATRIOTS – Famous video director Bill Belichick videotapes an NFL Network special about how the Saints broke NFL rules. 13-3
BILLS  – There are four words Mario Williams will hate to hear, “Bruce Smith used to.” 8-8
JETS – Rex Ryan calls Tim Tebow a bleeping bleep, and Tebow replies that he’s excited to be cussed at by one of God’s creations. 6-10
DOLPHINS  – Ryan Downthehill is the 2012 version of Blame Gabbert. So how about Matt Barkley next year? 3-13

NORTH
BROWNS – West Coast offense? Not really. Power football on the shores of Lake Erie. It’s innovation the old fashioned way. 16-0
BENGALS – I’ll explain my pick this way. I like Kool-Aid. 11-5
RAVENS – Ray Lewis’ cause of death is listed as “Pissed off for greatness.” Joe Flacco practices for a  career in public relations by claiming he is new and improved.  9-7
STEELERS  – Ben Roethlisberger stays in one erratic piece, but the path to long-term mediocrity is clear. 6-10

SOUTH
TEXANS – Arian Foster reminds me of O.J. Simpson, and I mean that in a good football way as opposed to, well, you know. 12-4
TITANS – Jake Locker will be severely average, like his team, and like his high-paid running back. 8-8
COLTS – Andrew Luck may not be as good as Peyton Manning, but he will be better than Curtis Painter. 6-11
JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert will be sacked 160 times. Every pass he throws all season will theoretically be aimed towards Justin Blackmon. 1-15

WEST
RAIDERS – Baby. Win. Just. It may be backwards now, but it will finally begin working with a sound defense, a prepared quarterback, and a running game. 10-6
CHARGERS – Norv Turner has a new book out, “Dare To Be Adequate.” 9-7
BRONCOS – Peyton Manning won’t last the season. John Elway considers his own comeback. 8-8
CHIEFS – Brady Quinn and Peyton Hillis argue over a mirror. Romeo Crennell deserves better. 4-12

NFC

EAST
COWBOYS – The Cowboys look loaded. But Rob Ryan wins more beauty contests than the Cowboys win playoff games. 11-5
GIANTS – Eli Manning, with less talent, will ultimately end up having a better career than his brother. Not in the regular season, but in the playoffs. 11-5
EAGLES – Michael Vick again lasts about half a season and he is mostly brilliant. Mad karma backed off the dream team this year, but Vick’s fragile body doesn’t care. 5-11
REDSKINS – Robert Griffin III wishes he was a Cleveland Brown. Halfway through the season, so do his teammates who say to each other under their breath, “Hey Cousin.” 3-13

NORTH
LIONS – Ndamukong Suh watches interviews with forgetful Jim McMahon every day for inspiration. 12-4
PACKERS – The Packers are still trying to understand how other teams would want to win the Super Bowl too when it is supposed to be theirs. 11-5
BEARS – Jay Cutler sues a roller coaster for intellectual property copyright infringement. 8-8
VIKINGS – The theme song of the year is “Nowhere Man” by the Beatles, or maybe “LA Woman” by the Doors. 2-14

SOUTH
FALCONS – Matt Ryan, aka Matty Ice, should have the nickname Matty Eh-whatever. The Falcons are pretty good too. Eh, whatever. 11-5
SAINTS – So the Saints ain’t saints,  coaches and players are suspended, and mad karma ain’t nice. But Drew Brees is a spectacular NFL quarterback and that means a lot. 10-6
PANTHERS – Cam Newton wants to be a superhero. He is already a superstar, the one we’ve long been expecting to reinvent the most important position in sports. 8-8
BUCANEERS – The Buccaneers had a great offseason. Yeah Buccaneers! They are a good offseason team. 4-12

WEST
49ERS – Alex Smith looked like he got a brain transplant last year. This year he gets new weapons. 12-4
CARDINALS – Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Floyd are the weapons. Kevin Kolb is the triggerman due for a career year, or the end of his career. 8-8
SEAHAWKS – Matt Flynn expects to set franchise records in every start. Pete Carroll explains, “You’re not even the starter.” 6-10
RAMS – Sam Bradford simply needs to survive two more years until all the draft picks arrive. 4-12

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NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
LIONS OVER GIANTS

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS

SUPERBOWL XLVII
BROWNS OVER LIONS

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Do you ever want to stomp on someone and say, these are my Week 13 NFL Picks?

Well, you’re in luck. For two weeks only, the Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer is available to the public. On a very limited basis, you can authorize the grinding of a human head into the ground and the stomping of an arm. Your only legal responsibility is to describe the action as a part of your Week 13 NFL Picks.

So…

Are you a Cleveland Browns fan wondering how fun it would be to win against the soulless Baltimore Ravens, and then the evil Pittsburgh Steelers?

Do you coach the Philadelphia Eagles and want to do something more drastic than say, “We’ve got to do a better job?”

Are you a former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings quarterback who might enjoy not being so nice every time?

Are you Herman Cain, and you wish you could have changed the subject?

The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer can benefit almost anyone.

Meet Newt Gingrich, a certified master in using the Suggesturizer. For instance, despite his three marriages and an airport hanger full of baggage, Gingrich benefited most from the Herman Cain story.

The Suggesturizer is available to the entire public, but especially to those involved in the NFL or politics. Please remember this special offer is only available for two weeks. It is 100 percent effective. Jack Del Rio was recently suggesturized.

Please submit your ideas because head grinding and arm stomping will commence shortly, and your wishes can help determine whatzgonnahappen.

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – The Nightmare Team will give up exactly 148 yards to Marshawn Lynch. Seahawks 31, Eagles 14

TITANS AT BILLS – As soon as I jumped on the Buffalo bandwagon, the whole thing fell apart. That’s heavy. Titans 20, Bills 13

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are favored by 20.5 points. That’s like Wall Street versus Occupy Wall Street. If this was grade school, the slaughter rule would be in effect. Patriots 49, Colts 19

JETS AT REDSKINS – Journeyman Rex Grossman outplays soon-to-be journeyman Mark Sanchez. Redskins 20, Jets 17

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – The Buccaneers are horrible, but they can’t lose six straight. Can they? Buccaneers 24, Panthers 21

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Late in the game, Andy Dalton will drive the surprising Bengals down the field to take the lead, but then Ben Roethlisberger will do the same to give the evil Steelers the win. Steelers 21, Bengals 17

CHIEFS AT BEARS – Kyle Orton puts on a black shirt and tries to sneak to the Bears sideline. Bears 13, Chiefs 7

FALCONS AT TEXANS – And that, kids, is how the legend of T.J. Yates began. Texans 30, Falcons 20

RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS – Something still doesn’t feel right about the Raiders’ karma, and the Dolphins have found out how to win enough this year to hurt next year’s draft. Dolphins 23, Raiders 20

BRONCOS AT VIKINGS – The Broncos defense dominates and Tim Tebow gets the credit and tons more press across the league. A small country in east Asia renames itself Tebowland. Broncos 20, Vikings 7

RAVENS AT BROWNS – The Baltimore Ravens existence is a forever a travesty, therefore Peyton Hillis shall play as if he is deserving of the cover of Madden. Ray Lewis eats bad  airline food. Browns 24, Ravens 20

RAMS AT 49ers – If the Rams pull an upset, the NFL makes no sense. The NFL makes sense, and logic for a 49ers win is overwhelming. 49ers 28, Rams 10.

PACKERS AT GIANTS – The Packers season is like an old-fashioned Midwest assembly line. Next… Packers 34, Giants 20

COWBOYS AT CARDINALS – Kevin Kolb, Beanie Wells, and Tony Romo’s mistakes put an end to the Dallas winning streak. Cardinals 29, Cowboys 24

LIONS AT SAINTS – Mark Ingram, Pierre Thomas and Darren Sproles do some Suggesturizing of their own. Saints 32, Lions 17

CHARGERS AT JAGUARS – Norv Turner has Jack Del Rio envy. Jaguars 12, Chargers 10

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Let it be known that this document is the last will and week 7 NFL Picks of Moammar Khadafy.  I, Colonel Khadafy, being of sound mind and body, will now predict the NFL Week 7 games. I don’t know how I got dragged into this, but I am going to take a shot.

Even though I am hiding in a sewer, I know that the Oakland Raiders traded way too much to get Carson Palmer from the Cincinnati Bengals. What was Al Davis thinking? Next time I see him, I am going to ask him.

This is a legal document. I declare the following to be true. Except for my mass murdering, I have never been as rude as Jim Harbaugh when he shakes hands. I do not have a sound mind or a sound body. I hear a sound. I may be going out with a bang, not a handshake. Under the circumstances, I am coming clean. I am in on the conspiracy. Since I became a dictator, the Cleveland Browns have never won the NFL championship.

Like all evil dictators, I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. I am hiding in a sewer. My only possessions in this sewer are  my Terrible Towel and a recent photograph of Bob Dylan. I am not worried. I am sure I can get out of here, and then I will go work for Mitt Romney. I heard he hires illegal immigrants. I’d be a very illegal immigrant, so that should make me very qualified.

But if I don’t escape, I bequeath my earthly possessions, including my pet lions and tigers and monkeys, to some guy in Ohio.

Don’t shoot. I’m about to declare whatzgonnahappen.

SEAHAWKS AT BROWNS – Montario Hardesty is a running back in the West Coast offense who cannot catch the ball. Colt McCoy is just like Drew Brees, except for his arm strength and accuracy. But the Seahawks are in town. Browns 24, Seahawks 21

REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – Round and round the Redskins quarterbacks go. Which one ends up with the job, not a Shanahan knows. In other words, John Beck is not the second coming of Joe Theismann, Doug Williams or Mark Rypien. He was Rex Grossman’s backup. Panthers 30, Redskins 17

BYE AT BILLS – The Buffalo Bills, eh? Next week, a home game in Toronto.

FALCONS AT LIONS – Mike Smith has a game plan for his post-game handshake with Jim Schwartz.  Falcons 28, Lions 27

BRONCOS AT DOLPHINS – Tim Tebow should be on the Saints. Instead, he will beat a winless team trying to suck for Luck, and some folks who believe God influences the NFL will call him a saint. He could be like Bobby Douglass. Broncos 22, Dolphins 21

BYE AT BENGALS – Mike Brown, after trading Carson Palmer to a desperate Oakland Raiders team, puts down his dunce cap and walks to the Genius Room.

CHARGERS AT JETS – If Rex Ryan was president of the United States, China would be our 51st state by now. Chargers 30, Jets 20

BEARS AT BUCCANEERS AT LONDON – The British don’t deserve NFL football. What have they ever done for us? This game proves that Jay Cutler always plays great in London. Bears 36, Buccaneers 24

BYE AT GIANTS – Ahmad Bradshaw scores two more touchdowns and still no one notices.

TEXANS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson runs like he is worth big money. This week. Titans 23, Texans 20

STEELERS AT CARDINALS – In a week when Khadafy is killed, Kevin Kolb will play great against the Steelers. Cardinals 20, Steelers 10.

BYE AT EAGLES – Eagles trainers are treated for concussions.

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Carson Palmer is very good from the start. Raiders 31, Chiefs 13

RAMS AT COWBOYS – AJ Feeley wears a number that looks like a target. Cowboys 28, Rams 10

BYE AT 49ERS – Jim Harbaugh orders food at a restaurant, and it becomes a scene.

BYE AT PATRIOTS – John Lackey of the Red Sox stops stops by with some fried chicken and beer. Belichick makes him run laps.

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Ponder this. The Packers are the best team in football and the Donovan McNabb era is over. The Donovan McNabb era? Packers 34, Vikings 23

COLTS AT SAINTS – Saints coach Sean Payton will calls plays from the coach’s box, making it hard for him to throw the red challenge flag. Luckily he won’t need it. Drew Brees is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. Curtis Painter is good enough to get lucky. Saints 29, Colts 21

RAVENS AT JAGUARS – Ray Lewis disappears into a corn maze and is never seen again. Before that, he is in the Jaguars backfield and seen quite often. Ravens 27, Jaguars 12

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– Bob Dylan

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The ancient Mayans and Nostradamus are Cleveland Browns fans who met on Facebook. They went to Applebee’s to predict Super Bowl XLV. They were tied in their fantasy league.

The ancient Mayans used an iPhone prophecy app , common in their time, to predict the outcome of the Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Green Bay Packers. Nostradamus called over the bartender. He ordered a round of beers, sweet tarot cards, and a genuine replica crystal ball. It was sacred religious moment. Sacred secular too. Money was exchanged.

Nostradamus pulled out his iPad and googled “visions.” The bartender brought him a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bartender mistook Nostradamus for a hipster. A gypsy woman brought the tarot cards and a genuine replica crystal ball purchased on eBay. She sat and joined the boys and watched a commercial on the flatscreen TV. Her name was Gypsy Jones.

The ancient Mayans tipped the bartender: “Exercise is good for you,” they all said in unison.

While Nostradamus searched websites for a vision, the ancient Mayans bragged to him of their choice of technology. “The great time-traveling Steve Jobs visited us first,” they said.

“Yeah, he brought you that crappy first-generation iPhone,” said Nostradamus, all snarky like. Suddenly he barked, “I got it! Oh wait. Wrong site. I found the end of the world as we know it.”

The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones already knew of the impending demise of the 16-week NFL season. Like all sports fans, they hated knowing about upcoming labor disputes almost as much as they hated politicians that started predictable wars. They complained of headaches.

Nostradamus guzzled his PBR. He stroked his long gray beard and searched some more. Suddenly he stopped and his eyes teared up. The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones rushed to his side. “I am a seer of the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl in the year…” But Nostradamus couldn’t finish. He was overcome with emotion. He added, simply, “I have discovered Whatzgonnahappen.”

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PREGAME: Keith Urban tweets a duet with fans on smartphones around the world. Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem, but when she gets to the line, “the home of the brave,” Maurice Jones-Drew runs on the stage like Kayne West and asks if she means Jay Cutler too?

COIN FLIP: “Hold on,” says the referee. “We’re trying to borrow a coin from China.” When they finally locate a coin, both Clay Mathews and Troy Polamalu call “Hair.” Packers ball, by a hair.

FIRST QUARTER: Aaron Rodgers drives the Packers to the Steelers 20 and then tosses an interception to Polamalu. Ben Roethlisberger can’t be found at the beginning of the game because he’s in the bathroom with a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Standing guard outside the bathroom is Brett Favre. Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends Big Ben for the first six minutes of the game. When Roethlisberger returns, he proves adept at handing the ball off to Rashard Mendenhall. Packer 0, Steelers 7

SECOND QUARTER: Aaron Rogers hits the fleet and sure-handed B.J. Raji on a deep out pattern for 25 yards. On the next play as Donald Driver crosses the middle, James Harrison tries to give a clinic on helmet-to-helmet hits. But the receiver quickly and legally (like the Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/Johnson) changes his name to “Donald Duck.” In fact, the Packers score two touchdowns and a field goal, mostly on the arm of their quarterback. James Starks discovers that a Steel Curtain has descended. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger hates long-haired blond linebackers. Packers 17, Steelers 10

HALFTIME: The Black-Eyed Peas dedicate their hit, “Let’s Get Retarded” to the First Amendment, the Tea Party, everyone waving a Terrible Towel.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THIRD QUARTER: After taking the kickoff to the 31, Roethlisberger starts throwing to tight end Heath Miller. Someone with a cheesehead commences nervously eating their hat. By the time Hines Ward catches a two-yard touchdown pass, the hat is gone. There is only a cracker. At this point, defense takes over for both teams. Just before the quarter ends, Brett Favre tries to sneak into the Packers huddle wearing a Groucho Marx nose and glasses. Packers 17, Steelers 17

FOURTH QUARTER: Fox shows a promo for their reality show, “Bart Starr Punches Terry Bradshaw in the Nose.” John Madden returns for a cameo: “Pow!” he says.  On the field, the game turns into a battle of field position and stalling offenses. Each team punts three times. Each team misses one field goal. It is time to test the new overtime rules.  Packers 17, Steelers 17

OVERTIME: The Steelers get the ball first and drive to the 18. On fourth and 4, the Steelers kick a field goal and Ben Roethlisberger starts yelling, “I’m going to Disney World!” But Ben wasn’t on the active roster when the team explained the new overtime rules. After a touchback, the Packers start at their own 20 and Rodgers throws four complete passes in a row to drive to the Steelers 20. On each pass, Harrison just misses getting to Rodgers. On each pass, Polamalu just misses an interception. Rodgers is doing it on purpose. He is penalized for taunting. With the ball at the 35, he hits Donald Driver in the back of the end zone. The ball flies one inch over Polamalu’s reach.  Packers 23, Steelers 20

POSTGAME: Brett Favre interrupts the presentation of the Lombardi trophy to announce he is ending his retirement. Bears fan Barack Obama tells the Packers they are not welcome at the White House.

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The obvious solution to America’s problems is to repeal the 2010 NFL season, and start the race to the 2011 NFL Conference Championship games over again.

Favorable ratings for this NFL season are down to four cities. That’s not a majority of Americans. That’s elitist.

What about the Patriots? Must the Patriots go the Super Bowl Store like everybody else? And the Saints? My God, they are Saints!

Conference Championship games without representation are tyranny. My favorite team is not represented. I am calling for second-round draft choice solutions. Would you like some tea? Oh I’m sorry, I threw the tea in the ocean. Have some tap water.

I actually want to repeal the season because I am in favor of the public option to go to the Super Bowl. I am a poor Cleveland Browns fan. It’s clear that my team is not going to make the Super Bowl without public assistance.

If America shows some responsibility and reaches out and helps, someday my favorite team will win the Super Bowl. Repeal the season! I want my NFL back to how it was in the 1950s.

I know that’s whatzgonnahappen.

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PACKERS AT BEARS – General Lee and General Grant would be on different sides. The history books say that Lee was a Cheesehead. The Hatfields and the McCoys would certainly root for different teams. And while the Midwest quakes like an artery full of bratwurst, the opening quarter will belong to Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears. And so will the third quarter. By the fourth quarter, Aaron Rodgers will discover that the ghost of Brett Favre hasn’t left completely. Matt Forte goes up the middle more than a groom on his wedding night. Bears 24, Packers 21

JETS AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger and Rex Ryan conduct a foot etiquette seminar in the locked bathroom of a Taco Bell. Afterward, both agree that the fantasy was better than the awkward reality. After Troy Polamalu returns Mark Sanchez’s third pass for an pick-six touchdown, Sanchez settles down. Ben Roethlisberger never looks comfortable all game, and he underthrows Mike Wallace as if he was Morley Safer. Meanwhile Sanchez has two key third quarter throws to Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes to set up Midtown Manhattan limousine ride, I mean a touchdown. Jets 20, Steelers 17

BYE AT BROWNS – What are these playoffs you speak of? I am sorry, I am not from your country.

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This column is sponsored by an investment from China.

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I did not just ride in here on a snowflake. I am a snowflake. I am a flake with the best NFL Divisional picks in America.

I am a flake leading the snowflake movement. We have NFL Divisional pick rallies featuring harsh rhetoric and blowhard wind. But don’t blame us when snowmen go bad.

Snowflakes, as you know, influence the NFL. Before and during the playoffs we hold conventions, known by the technical types as clouds, and we decide where to fall.

We hate domed stadiums and we especially hate the Minnesota Vikings for signing Brett Favre. We hate the Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns too. But remember that those teams play on Lake Erie; the Bermuda triangle of the North. And yes, the triangle pays us a royalty so, in fact, we collaborate.

We hate a lot of things. But we love mittens. And mittens rhyme with kittens. So go on, try to argue with that logic. Yeah, that’s right – snow is righteous because of our logic so if you argue you’ll find yourself shoveling out. See? See? It’s all from the prophecies of a really old book, so it must be absolutely true because… well, because that book is so old.

But now it is the playoffs and it’s time for this flake to pick NFL Divisional games. First, we wonder should we fall on any games at all? To us, it’s an existential question until it becomes one of logistics.  Sometimes, it’s hard to rally the flakes.

We’ve had to outsource to China. It’s embarrassing, but only to us flakes. For instance, on January 19, 2002 most of the snow falling in New England came from China. That’s right, Bob Kraft brought in Chinese snow for the tuck rule game. We actually created the tuck rule. Shh. Few people outside of the everyone in the media have ever heard this before.

This year, we flakes are thinking of causing a fumble unless we can find a new rule to help the Patriots win. We’re scouring the rule book because we are snow and we like New England. Fist bump! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

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RAVENS AT STEELERS – This is my own private playoff hell – a game between two teams spawned by the gridiron Satan. While Ben Roethlisberger and Ray Lewis are football’s Lucifer twins, the game itself is full of fire and brimstone. So when Ray Lewis comes down with fatal gout,  Ed Reed plays as if he has extra feet, just like he was taught by Rex Ryan. But it’s the other safety, the shampoo pitchman, who makes the biggest play of the game. Steelers 20, Ravens 17

PACKERS AT FALCONS – As much as I thought I’d pick the Packers, my Watergate source tells me that BC will sweep the NFC. Therefore yes, you already know whatzgonnahappen in the next game down. Listen, I know people who know people and those people told my people that these playoffs like most of sports history for the past few years will revolve around Boston athletes. Matt Ryan went to Boston College. Aaron Rodgers didn’t. That clinches it. That and Michael Turner. Falcons 31, Packers 28

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Matt Hasselbeck went to Boston College. Jay Cutler cannot spell “college.” The Seahawks are now on a epic roll and Marshawn Lynch has clinched his place as an NFL films folk hero. I could watch replays of his run last week 50 times in a row and never get bored. So yes, I am pumped and jacked about Seahawks and their college coach, Pete Carroll, who used to coach in Boston so that’s more of that New England karma that seems to be everywhere in sports these days. Seahawks 27, Bears 21

JETS AT PATRIOTS – In the first quarter, Rex Ryan scores on power sweep. On the next series, Bill Belichick takes a screen pass from Tom Brady and goes all the way. Rex Ryan was right. This game is all about Ryan versus Belichick. In fact, the Jets performance in the game is a reminder to the NFL world that one coach is an actual football genius while the other had a reality TV show. Patriots 30, Jets 20

BYE AT BROWNS – Browns fans celebrate that they haven’t lost in the playoffs in years.

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This column is sponsored by United Hobos of America.

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I got a big gavel just in time to make Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Thanks Nancy. Now scram.

I am crying because I am the new speaker of the people’s NFL picks. Plus I hurt myself with the gavel. Ouch. If I have my way, I won’t see a doctor. That’ll show me!

You see, I have a big gavel. That’s what she said. No, really, that’s what she said.

So as a first order of business, I aim to cut the deficit by swinging this gavel and betting with the Chinese on this weekend’s games. Specifically, I got the Chinese to take the Seattle Seahawks against the New Orleans Saints.

I think they took the bet because of Ichiro. I know that Ichiro is Japanese and plays baseball. But I’m not sure they know. Plus they like Pete Carroll. They think he is cuddly, like a Panda. I am making all this up. I have no idea why the Chinese would bet on the Seahawks.

So listen, Arkansas, you are what I bet the Chinese. In other words, if the Seahawks somehow win, you are Chinese. But look on the bright side. The Chinese wanted me to bet Connecticut. As if!

With my big gavel, this new Congress has already acted decisively. If the New Orleans Saints beat the Seattle Seahawks, the deficit goes down significantly. And if the Seahawks win, it will be easier to visit China. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – In the first quarter the Saints offense is a drop from the faucet, while Matt Hasselbeck makes this game look like a relative of Buster Douglas. But by the end of the game, Drew Brees has the ball flying all over the field as the drip becomes a fire hose of activity. The Seahawks are who we thought they were. Saints 34, Seahawks 20

JETS AT COLTS – Rex Ryan has a plaque on his desk. He bought it at a flea market, and it misquotes Teddy Roosevelt as saying: “Speak loudly and carry a small stick.” Santonio Holmes should have a big day but look for Mark Sanchez to complete more big passes to the Colts than to his own receivers. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning laughs every time the Jets blitz. Colts 26, Jets 14

RAVENS AT CHIEFS – Fireworks are shot off and a 3,000 birds fall from the sky and land on Ray Lewis. While most everyone is discounting the Chiefs as too young and inexperienced, I’m a believer. Look for some Matt Cassell heroics after a Joe Flacco late interception. Chiefs 23, Ravens 20

PACKERS AT EAGLES – After a dream season, Michael Vick will have offseason Clay Mathews nightmares. Aaron Rodgers throws three touchdown passes and the Eagles are karmically punished on a special teams play for once being snow wussies. Packers 31, Eagles 23

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Winning means attention to detail. Patriots rookies are given three-pages on how to brush their teeth in the post-season.

BYE AT FALCONS – Matt Ryan watches Stuart Smalley tapes.

BYE AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin is a fan of Jersey Shore because his quarterback is like a character from the show.

BYE AT BEARS – Jay Cutler spends the week trying to remember the difference between uniform colors.

BYE AT BROWNS – The same movie keeps repeating.

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This column is sponsored by the US Constitution, except that one part.

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Julian Assange has leaked my week 13 NFL picks to the media. He stole them from my brain. All that I can do now is deny that I know how Hillary Clinton got some of Brett Favre’s DNA. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

Sure, it was no big revelation that every Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in history has some of Bill Clinton’s DNA, but now you also know that Brad Childress doesn’t have DNA. He has CSI.

Ben Roethlisberger is the author of the new TSA procedures.

Is some of this surprising? Sure. But discovering that Donald Rumsfeld has been secretly running the Buffalo Bills for the last three years seems, in retrospect, obvious.

This information, by the way, is secret and classified. Want to know some more? Josh McDaniels has a tape of it all. It turns out that international diplomats get catty. That’s what Derek Anderson found so funny. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT EAGLES – At halftime, Andre Johnson fights Manny Pacquiao. Eagles 30, Texans 20

SAINTS AT BENGALS – In the reality show language that the Bengals traffic in, the Saints will treat the Bengals like Sarah Palin treats a halibut. Saints 35, Bengals 21

BEARS AT LIONS – When everyone starts saying the Jay Cutler Bears are playing great, they are sure to lose. Lions 24, Bears 17

49ers AT PACKERS – The Mike Singletary post game press conference has Coors Lite commercial written all over it. Packers 50, 49ers 12

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – As an early Christmas present, Charlie Weiss gives Josh McDaniels a Notre Dame tie. Then Romeo Crennel gives McDaniels a Cleveland Browns coffee mug. Afterward, they make plans to watch the Patriots game. Chiefs 31, Broncos 28

BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – Jake Delhomme sees that the offensive game plane calls for his first three throws to be interceptions. “Get them out of the way early,” says Coach Mangini. Browns 33, Dolphins 22

BILLS AT VIKINGS – The Vikings call on Touchdown Toby Gerhart to run over the Bills. Vikings 28, Bills 19

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – The Wikileaks site revealed that Donovan McNabb is actually a diplomatic spy who spends more time concentrating on espionage than studying the playbook. Giants 25, Redskins 18

JAGUARS AT TITANS – The brilliant Randy Moss left Tom Brady for Rusty Smith. That is a hilarious sentence. Jaguars 21, Titans 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Proclamations that Jason Campbell is the savior were premature. Chargers 33, Raiders 20

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Karma means losing by a last second field goal. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 21

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Derek Anderson cracks me up. Rams 24, Cardinals 12

COWBOYS AT COLTS – So it’s all over for Peyton Manning, huh? Colts 29, Cowboys 19

PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – Jimmy Clausen plays just well enough to make the Panthers think about passing on Andrew Luck. Good luck with that. Seahawks 27, Panthers 23

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Ed Reed intercepts Ben Roethlisberger and scores on the last play of the game. Ray Lewis forgets to breathe. Ravens 27, Steelers 17

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick and Rob Ryan plan to remake all of Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin movies. Patriots 27, Jets 25

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This column is sponsored by Qatar Guitars & Gutters.