“So never mind the darkness; We still can find a way
Cause nothin’ lasts forever; Even cold November rain”
– Guns N Roses
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I was on death row when I started predicting NFL games as a way to pass the time and somehow my predictions came to the attention of George W. Bush, a big sports fan. Yes, I am a turkey, and I am guilty.
One day last week I was sitting in my cage playing the harmonica and singing, “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen,” when my cell phone rang. It was President Bush.
He said he loves my predictions because they are usually wrong. He said I am a kindred spirit. He said he is a lame duck, but I didn’t understand. I am a turkey. I don’t often associate with ducks.
We chatted for a moment. His favorite team is the Detroit Lions. I said hate the Lions, and I hate the Cowboys. He said he is a cowboy. We laughed and laughed.
I told him I hate John Madden. He assured me everyone does. Then I told him that I also like John Madden because he reminds me of my cool, crazy uncle who loves bourbon. The President told me everyone feels this way as well.
I am a wild turkey who believes George W. Bush is a wise man. I admit that I am a beneficiary of his wisdom, or maybe I am just a lucky bird. You see, he invited me to the White House and I was in the room when his Presidential Counsel asked whether he was going to pardon Scooter Libby. Bush said these exact words, “Pardon the turkey.”
So I am here to bring you the most anticipated and very best NFL predictions from a turkey. But first I’m hungry so please tell me what’s for dinner? Then I’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen.
Also…
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TITANS AT LIONS – Walt Disney presents a home-for-the-holidays heartwarming underdog’s story. Start with the meanest, nastiest team in the NFL, give them their first loss of the season, and then send them to play the pathetic Detroit Lions four days later. Lions 24, Titans 22
SEAHAWKS AT COWBOYS – Terrell Owens and Roy Williams are thankful for small cornerbacks. Cowboys 55, Seahawks 30
CARDINALS AT EAGLES – Donovan McNabb may need to disappear, sort of like Kurt Warner did, before he can reemerge as a wise aging star. Eagles fans thank the Phillies. Cardinals 27, Eagles 20
COLTS AT BROWNS – I get it. The Browns want high character guys who never lose their temper. Meanwhile, the “$” logo from the Art Modell days is now “F#@*” The new logo confuses Peyton Manning because he has never received a helmet email before. I am blinded by the brilliance. Browns 32, Colts 31
DOLPHINS AT RAMS – A hunter once told me the story of a ram that took a running leap off of a 4,000-foot cliff to avoid being shot. I think it is part of the Jim Haslett pre-game pep talk. Dolphins 34, Rams 10
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – For all those with a young quarterback who frustrates you, there is a lesson in the story of Eli Manning. The Giants have that look this year… you know, like the Patriots last year. Giants 23, Redskins 20
PANTHERS AT PACKERS – The Packers have just enough to stay in the race and a tough victory over the Panthers gives psychological benefits, the same as stinky cheese. Packers 24, Panthers 21
RAVENS AT BENGALS – Ray Lewis overdoses on tryptophan. Marvin Lewis qualifies for workmen’s compensation because it is hard to coach such a crappy team every year. Ravens 21, Bengals 14
49ERS AT BILLS – Nate Clements serves toast. Bills 30, 49ers 14
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Pirates are getting great press these days, but Drew Brees has more bombs in his arsenal than the Buccaneers have in theirs. Saints 28, Buccaneers 21
And…
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FALCONS AT CHARGERS – Matt Ryan is one of the most successful rookie quarterbacks in NFL history and the Chargers are a team coached by Norv Turner. Falcons 31, Chargers 27
BRONCOS AT JETS – If you missed the old erratic three-interception Brett, he’s back. Broncos 34, Jets 24
STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – On the last play of the game, Randy Moss and Troy Polamalu jump for the ball, Troy loses by a hair. Patriots 21, Steelers 20
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Al Davis must be rolling over in his grave thinking about how bad the Raiders have become. Chiefs 20, Raiders 17
BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson is completely contained until he isn’t, and once he isn’t he really isn’t. Is he? Vikings 26, Bears 20
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – I want to see Mario Williams sack Jack Del Rio. Texans 23, Jaguars 20
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