There are those who look at things the they way they are, and ask why…
I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?
– Robert F. Kennedy
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These week 14 NFL predictions are late because I knew I’d be correct about the Browns game, so I started celebrating Thursday’s victory on Tuesday. Yes, I am that kind of psychic.
In this column, the news of the world takes a pause this week. Cancel the wars, quit asking about Tiger’s chances for par no matter what you are counting, and call the economy fixed – because the Cleveland Browns beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Say “Amen.”
Now someone call Satan (I know at least one of my readers has his cell phone number) and tell him to start wearing ice skates because his hometown has frozen over. While on the subject, I admit that I sold my soul in order to be right about this game. You are welcome.
When you’ve been bullied for more than a decade and you finally get to throw a punch – it not only sends a message but it feels good – therapeutic even. Of course, Thursday’s victory by the Cleveland Browns over the evil Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers probably means that St. Louis will draft a Hall of Fame player while the Browns will draft a criminal with a bad knee, a fast motorcycle, two hands of stone, the brain capacity of a bag of spoons, the work habits of Joe the homeless guy, and the ethical standards of an indicted politician.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t celebrate each of the eight sacks of Ben Roethlisberger, just as I knew I would. I was right to think I would be happy watching Joshua Cribbs run over the Steelers, and I made the proper decision to start celebrating Chris Jennings touchdown a full two days early. My hindsight about my foresight is 20/20.
Life is good because the Browns beat the Steelers and yes I am that simple, so at the moment I don’t know or care if this is whatzgonnahappen.
BROWNS AT STEELERS – Let me tell you about the best hillbilly stew I’ve ever had. Browns 13, Steelers 6
BILLS AT CHIEFS – I can’t wait for Kansas City’s bad offense against Buffalo’s bad defense. It will be like watching butterflies argue. Chiefs 23, Bills 21
SAINTS AT FALCONS – The Saints are reaching that vulnerable psychological point where the undefeated season is wearing on them. Right? Well, not this week. Saints 42, Falcons 17
PANTHERS AT PATRIOTS – The last time Adalius Thomas was in kindergarten, recess was more fun. But at least this week, the competition is those weak kids across the playground. Patriots 27, Panthers 13
DOLPHINS AT JAGUARS – The Jaguars have the better record. The Dolphins are the better team. The Jaguars usually win at home. That equals a three-point win. I don’t think that’s how they do it in Las Vegas. Jaguars 20, Dolphins 17
RAMS AT TITANS – Kyle Boller knows more Titans than Rams by the end of the game. Titans 29, Rams 9
BRONCOS AT COLTS – There is the blowout slot that the Colts sometimes pick victories from. That was used last week. This is from the more-used fourth-quarter-comeback slot. Colts 24, Broncos 21
LIONS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis writes an email about climate change and and suffers the consequences. But later the Ravens prove there is nothing to the theory. Ravens 32, Lions 13
BENGALS AT VIKINGS – Cedric Benson will have a better game than Adrian Peterson. Bengals 23, Vikings 16
JETS AT BUCCANEERS – Josh Freeman plays his best game as a pro while Kellen Clemens plays like an old Roger Clemens without steroids – who knows. Buccaneers 23, Jets 12
SEAHAWKS AT TEXANS – Now that they are essentially out of it, witness the playoff team we all thought we’d see. Texans 31, Seahawks 19
PACKERS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler is posing for the cover of “Karma” magazine. Packers 27, Bears 10
REDSKINS AT RAIDERS – For another week, Bruce Gradkowski is just like Kenny Stabler. Raiders 23, Redskins 20
CHARGERS AT COWBOYS – The Chargers are better but Norv Turner goes all Wade Phillips on his team. Cowboys 25, Chargers 22
EAGLES AT GIANTS – Donovan McNabb is having another elite season – probably his best yet. Eagles 23, Giants 13
CARDINALS AT 49ERS – Frank Gore is like the old General Motors to the old America – as goes Frank Gore, so go the 49ers in this game. 49Ers 28, Cardinals 21
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This column is sponsored by the Nobel War Prize.