As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint
– The Rolling Stones
These week 17 NFL picks resolve to call for the voluntary execution of Tucker Carlson.
Since the bow-tied alleged nimrod Tucker Carlson made clear that he thinks Michael Vick should have been executed, these week 17 NFL picks think Tucker Carlson should consider getting executed for thinking that, or, in fact, anything. Can I get a witness?
Yes, it is a circle and I understand. But if you want these week 17 NFL picks executed, you’re going to have to get in that line to the right. This column’s favorite all-time athlete is the XFL star who went by the name, “He Hate Me.”
So bring it charlatan, bow-tied Tucker Carlson. There, I just gave away a line from a future hip-hop gangsta rap hit. That’s gold, baby!
But I must digress from my innocent execution number-one-hit-with-a-bullet fantasies, because I now realize that every year at this time we sadly think about the people who have died instead of wishfully thinking about the people who could have been executed.
Well, except for Tucker Carlson and this column. Every week for years in this column, Ray Lewis has died. It’s gotten to the point where ideas are solicited on how to kill him. This makes this column in tune with Tucker Carlson completely. There is no way to pretend otherwise.
Thus, this is an open invitation to Tucker Carlson to get together and plot who should else should be executed. Unless, that is, he is offended by the dream of him volunteering just to show whatzgonnahappen.
PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Jimmy who? Andrew Luck will be better than Matt Ryan, so there! Falcons 27, Panthers 13
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis is mentally executed by being forced to watch the unfathomable Tucker Carlson. Bengals fans know the feeling. Ravens 31, Bengals 10
STEELERS AT BROWNS – In the first quarter, with successive helmet-to-helmet hits, James Harrison knocks out the Browns starting wide receivers, tight end, and right guard. But he always misses Colt McCoy by six inches. Browns 24, Steelers 21
VIKINGS AT LIONS – I wonder if the Joe Webb historic continuous game streak will continue? Lions 14, Vikings 13
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs win if they don’t get injured. If you don’t play, you don’t get injured. Raiders 30, Chiefs 10
DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady plays the first quarter and throws four quick touchdown passes. Then Brian Hoyer throws four more in the next three quarters. Patriots 56, Dolphins 9
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – The game plan calls for the Saints to rally from behind. Yes, it’s by design. Saints 27, Buccaneers 20
BILLS AT JETS – Hard knocks is losing to Buffalo just before the playoffs. Bills 20, Jets 17
BEARS AT PACKERS – Canceled because of snow. Packers 33, Bears 10
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Is the general manager of Jacksonville considered “green” for recycling Trent Edwards? Texans 23, Jaguars 19
TITANS AT COLTS – Remember that time Jeff Fischer wore a Peyton Manning jersey? So if the Titans beat the Colts, Jeff Fischer still gets fired. But the Colts miss the playoffs and Jim Caldwell gets fired. That would mean Peyton Manning needs a coach. Colts 30, Titans 10
COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Tucker Carlson and Vlad The Impaler sit in their usual seats. They really are a cute couple. Eagles 26, Cowboys 20
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Eli Manning is indecisive. He can’t decide whether he wants to fumble or throw an interception. Redskins 22, Giants 20
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Norv Turner wears a Wade Phillips mask on the sidelines. Tim Tebow points to the sky. He sure likes clouds! Broncos 27, Chargers 24
CARDINALS AT 49ers – I wonder if you could make a legal case that this isn’t really an NFL game? 49ers 23, Cardinals 10
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Playoffs? Playoffs? Really? Rams 24, Seahawks 20
This column is sponsored by prosprayerity.