Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you
– The Police
These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! Once more… These week 14 NFL picks can’t breath!
That’s how a Cleveland Browns season always ends. The people choking it won’t listen.
We’ve been holding our breath while the Cleveland Browns vacillated between Brian Hoyer and Johnny Manziel. We have tried telling the people in charge, but they had no concern about all the quarterback controversies that have killed so many seasons in the past.
It’s just another Cleveland Browns season, seems to be the thinking. It’s not like it’s as valuable as, say, a New England Patriots season or a Dallas Cowboys season, right? When it happens to the Browns, no one really notices or cares if it happens again.
But we noticed. We screamed that we can’t breath, and yet Manziel versus Hoyer happened.
The team has always done this to me, but this… right in front of everybody, and then acting like it’s no big deal?
Really? Even non-Browns fans can’t breath. Hardly any Americans can breath any more in an atmosphere where it seems no one knows whatzgonnahappen.
COWBOYS AT BEARS – Both teams had a bad Thanksgiving, but Jay Cutler ate more turkey. Cowboys 27, Bears 24
BUCCANEERS AT LIONS – The Buccaneers have a chance to draft Jameis Winston, and the sheriff in Tampa Bay is already shopping for an agent for a book deal he expects. Lions 30, Buccaneers 13
JETS AT VIKINGS –The Jets only threw the ball 13 times last week. In an effort at re-branding, they change their name to the New York Bicycles. Vikings 17, Jets 6
RAMS AT REDSKINS – The Rams enter the stadium in a “hands-up” pose. The Redskins just figure the Rams have already scored a touchdown and put their hands over their eyes. But then Colt McCoy calls the old “aw shucks” play. Redskins 22, Rams 16
RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Neither team is good or bad bu the Dolphins are at home. Dolphins 24, Ravens 21
PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees gets contacted every day by job recruiters for sales jobs in the insurance, automobile, and real estate industries. This week, he sells you that the Saints are good. This proves only that he is a good salesman. Saints 30 Panthers 14
STEELERS AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton has a fourth quarter comeback and someone will be delusional enough to think that means something. I hope that someone isn’t me. Bengals 24, Steelers 21
GIANTS AT TITANS – Tom Coughlin writes the third chapter of his book about never giving up during this game. Titans 33, Giants 10
COLTS AT BROWNS – The gods wanted Johnny Manziel versus Andrew Luck. It was destiny, it seemed. And yet Brian Hoyer, who has persevered forever, is writing a completely different fairy tale from the very edge of a cliff. Browns 31, Colts 30
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – JJ Watt sings the national anthem, sells popcorn, introduces the team over the loud speaker, and then sacks the quarterback three times while scoring two touchdowns, and collecting money from everyone parking in Lot C. Texans 20 Jaguars 10
CHIEFS AT CARDINALS – After a long evaluation, it turns out that Alex Smith is who I thought he was, before I thought he was something better, which he is not. Cardinals 20, Chiefs 19
BILLS AT BRONCOS – The Bills defense learns that pressuring Peyton Manning is not the same as pressuring Brian Hoyer. Broncos 37, Bills 13
SEAHAWKS AT EAGLES – Mark Sanchez against Richard Sherman. Oddly, Sanchez wins. Eagles 27, Seahawks 17
49ers AT RAIDERS – Jim Harbaugh uses the week to decide whether he wants to coach the Raiders, when they move to Los Angeles. 49ers 24, Raiders 14
PATRIOTS AT CHARGERS – A long trip to play a good time on a roll would look like a Patriots bump in the road, but it’s not. That was Green Bay. Patriots 26, Chargers 22
FALCONS AT PACKERS – The United Nations and Amnesty International are monitoring this game by the fourth quarter. Packers 40, Falcons 3
This column is sponsored by Police Officer Badge Number 007.