Now the family is crazy
And they’re out of their minds
They kick it up a notch at Christmastime
– Steve Shook & The Elftones
—
These week 16 NFL picks have given you each vodka for Christmas. You are going to be a big hit in third grade, Jimmy! I did this because each one of you is a Cleveland Browns fan.
I can hear you, Jimmy. No, it’s not illegal for you if no one finds out. Just don’t tell your teacher. Do you think Johnny Manziel told his coach he never read the playbook? Of coursse not, Jimmy. Go to school like a Brown!
Just say you decided to be outgoing in January. That’s all she needs to know. One other thing, Jimmy. If you think of Johnny Manziel, don’t vomit when the room starts spinning.
Now, Grandma, of course I’d love to hear you sing “Born To Be Wild.” And yes, the Johnny Manziel jersey helps. In fact, I need a video of this.
And Bob, my least favorite cousin, family member, and human being, I love you. But if you tell me once more, while wearing that Steelers jersey, everything you learned on FOX News, you get no more vodka from me. It’s the Steelers jersey that offends me the most. No touch with reality, dude. You are a moron. I love you! Idiot.
So while you each open your Christmas vodka and we begin our tradition of screaming at each other like my nine ex-wives scream at me and scream at each of their nine ex-husbands, I’d like to thank all of you who I love so much to remember the passionate immortal words of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: “I didn’t see anything.”
In other words, what happens at Christmas stays at Christmas. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
TITANS AT JAGUARS – Blake Bortles is just good enough to make sure the Jaguars don’t draft an actual talented quarterback. Jaguars 21, Titans 13
EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Mark Sanchez just likes throwing to the other team more, that’s why. Redskins 27, Eagles 24.
CHARGERS AT 49ers – I am really psychic on these games that have already happened. I bet nobody notices how accurate I really am. Chargers 38, 49ers 35
BROWNS AT PANTHERS – Madison Avenue has this as Money sign versus Superman. But this is more than branding. Last week, Johnny Manziel looked like an 8th grader getting chased by convicted felons. This week, he eats a Snickers bar. Browns 30, Panthers 20
LIONS AT BEARS – Jimmy Clausen? Nice try Bears. Sure, it’s Christmas and all, but he’s not Santa Clausen. Lions 31,Bears 6
RAVENS AT TEXANS – Unless JJ Watt is playing quarterback, which he really should, this gets ugly fast. Ravens 26, Texans 9
VIKINGS AT DOLPHINS – The Mediocre Bowl. Dolphins 21, Vikings 20
FALCONS AT SAINTS – Both defenses are given the day off as a Christmas present. Saints 44, Falcons 43
PATRIOTS AT JETS – Rex Ryan sold his Bill Belichick voodoo doll in a garage sale earlier this month. Big mistake. Patriots 50, Jets 20
CHIEFS AT STEELERS – All I want for Christmas is for the Steelers to lose. Chiefs 27, Steelers 20
PACKERS AT BUCCANEERS – This is an important game for both teams. The Packers want to win for their push to the playoffs and the Buccaneers want to lose in their push for the draft. Mission accomplished. Packers 27, Buccaneers 20
GIANTS AT RAMS – Odell Beckham Jr. performs a performs a triple flip with a half twist on his first touchdown pass as an ode to competitive diving. He’s also a fan of figure skating. Giants 24, Rams 23
COLTS AT COWBOYS – It has been shown that once Andrew Luck throws a pick six, he’s warmed up. Colts 42, Cowboys 41
BILLS AT RAIDERS – With only a season or so before they move to Los Angeles, Raiders fans get a victory in Oakland. Raiders 10, Bills 9
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Ryan Lindley’s Christmas card includes a deer in the headlights. Seahawks 20, Cardinals 3
BRONCOS AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton knows how to lose prime time games as well as anyone. Broncos 26, Bengals 13
This column is sponsored by Humbug.