I was born in a crossfire hurricane
And I howled at my ma in the driving rain
But it’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas
– The Rolling Stones
These week 6 NFL picks contain approximately zero lies about my fish-fornicating opponent. He is lying when he says the Cleveland Browns are 0-5. That’s baloney!
Speaking of baloney, these week 6 NFL picks are served plain on white bread by my elf-like twitchy media assistant, Skippy. We call it, “The Lance Armstrong” and serve it at my opponent’s rallies. My opponent’s lies are worse than my lies about the Miami Dolphins. My opponent likes fish, that is well-established.
Some say this is the meanest NFL prognosticating campaign week ever because the Browns just lost. Some said that last week when the Browns lost, and some said it the week before when the Browns lost. It’s despicable, the things my opponent brings up. My opponent still thinks Scott Fujita should be suspended for being on the Cleveland Browns. This is literally unbelievable.
I usually and probably don’t ever lie about how NFL commissioner Roger Goodell likes to eat live koala bears while they are looking him in the eyes any more than he would make stuff up, and I won’t. I won’t… maybe. Maybe not. I’ll ask my focus group.
My focus group of 50 drunks in a bar unanimously said that anyone picking the Cleveland Browns to win every week is a moron with less brains than a bag full of rocks.
So the bag full of rocks I have at home gave me an idea. Well, not my own idea. I don’t have any of those. But I took a poll – actually I had a nerd race – and Americans want us predictors to scale down the meanness. Even though my opponent is fighting dirty by using facts, I am going to be nicer, simply using my version of honesty. You ready?
My opponent has a messy desk. I even see a half-eaten baloney sandwich on it. See, I can do an attack ad and not be too mean.
Oh one more thing. His desk is also messy because of the fish.
I approve this message, and I approve whatzgonnahappen.
STEELERS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson breaks ground on the Chris Johnson Museum and Gift shop,while the Steelers play as if Titans don’t have a defense. Steelers 34, Titans 18
COWBOYS AT RAVENS – I hate the Ravens more, but I’ve hated the Cowboys longer. Ray Lewis fatally loses a cockroach eating contest by attempting to eat himself, but Ray Rice is the better ray. Ravens 31, Cowboys 10
BYE AT PANTHERS – Cam Newton turns to Vince Young for advice.
BENGALS AT BROWNS – Joe Haden slips some Adderall to Brandon Weeden and the interceptions disappear. Scott Fujita, who called out the bully Roger Goodell, is suspended for life for conduct detrimental to Roger Goodell’s making stuff up. But first, he has four sacks and an interception. Browns 30, Bengals 15
RAMS AT DOLPHINS – By the time Sam Bradford has weapons, he’ll be fishing with Jim McMahon. Dolphins 17, Rams 13
BYE AT BEARS – The Jay Cutler lobotomy is a pay-per-view event.
COLTS AT JETS – Please please bring in Terrell Owens. Go get William Haynesworth. Heck, break O.J. Simpson out of jail and put him with Tebow. I want to see Rex Ryan to go all Bobby Valentine on us because that really is fine entertainment. Colts 31, Jets 9
RAIDERS AT FALCONS – The Raiders new slogans are Just Lose Baby, and Commitment to Eh, Whatever. Falcons 33, Raiders 20
BYE AT JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert learns how to sell french fries.
LIONS AT EAGLES – If I made apple turnovers, I would buy advertising for this game. Eagles 34, Lions 19
CHIEFS AT BUCCANEERS – Brady Quinn, Romeo Crennel, and Peyton Hillis walk into the Deja Vu bar and toast bad science experiments. Buccaneers 26, Chiefs 20
BYE AT SAINTS – Drew Brees films an advertisement for Bounty Paper Towels.
BILLS AT CARDINALS – Mario Williams thinks he sees himself on a side of a milk carton but unfortunately it’s inside of a grocery sack and he couldn’t get it. Cardinals 25, Bills 21
PATRIOTS AT SEAHAWKS – If the Patriots couldn’t run the ball, the Seahawks tough defense just might rock Tom Brady enough to throw him off. But the Patriots can run the ball, and Russell Wilson is an NFL midget until he proves otherwise. Patriots 23, Seahawks 17
GIANTS AT 49ers – Games like this is why God invented the NFL. 49ers 24, Giants 23
VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Remember when Robert Griffin III looked like the best quarterback in the league? Neither does he because football is a dangerous game and things change fast when you are the quarterback of a doomed franchise. Vikings 20, Redskins 18
PACKERS AT TEXANS – Everything points to the Texans. But I am a contrarian, this is any given Sunday, and the Packers are pretty good even if they are what their record says they are. Packers 31, Texans 28
BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – The Peyton Manning comeback story just makes me sad, but he still makes great commercials. Chargers 31, Broncos 20
This column is sponsored by President Obama’s debate coach.
Please check out this excerpt from Chapter 1 of Conquering The North Face: Leader or Bully; There Are Consequences
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