The highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody’s out on the run tonight
but there’s no place left to hide
– Bruce Springsteen
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Quit calling me a bully or I will beat you up. Look, these NFL Conference Championship Picks by my Traffic Czar, Richie Incognito, are my gift to you even though you did not endorse me when I ran for the office of Knucklehead.
Here in New Jersey, where the Super Bowl will be held, I am known mostly by my nickname, Tony Friggin’ Soprano. What you never knew about me, but soon will, is that I am a Cleveland Browns fan.
Did I mention the Super Bowl is in New Jersey?
Does the NFL know how bad I can mess with them?
I know you expected me to root for the Jets, or Giants because they play in New Jersey. But come on. Those teams stink. Yes, the Cleveland Browns stink too. And you really can trust me on this. I am the governor of New Jersey. I know about stink.
My point is twofold: the Giants and Jets are from New York. So that case is simply closed. I hate New York. Don’t you?
Plus, face it, New Jersey is the Cleveland of states, and Cleveland is the New Jersey of cities. Thus, my undying allegiance – short of a heart attack – to the Cleveland Browns. Therefore, I expect the Cleveland Browns to play in and win this year’s Super Bowl. Otherwise, I will shut that puppy down.
Now, can we talk about Benghazi?
Yes, I am hoping to make this press conference last longer than a Bruce Springsteen concert raising money for people that I despise.
So while we are on the subject of good quarterbacks, I am rooting for Russell Wilson because he doesn’t have a perfect body, just like me. He is a bit too short, just like I am slightly overweight.
I’ll take one more question. My answer is, of course I know whatzgonnappen.
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PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – If Bill Belichick knew what “Omaha!” meant, this thing would be all over. But despite assistance (because they owe him one) from the NSA, the best that he can figure out is that Peyton Manning really likes Nebraska. A team of scouts is sent to Omaha, and they discover lots of nothing. Meanwhile, Wes Welker remakes his deal with the devil and is allowed to make some big catches in a playoff game. Yes, in this game the cards are seriously stacked in favor of the quarterback having the best season ever, playing at home against a team that really has never traveled well to Denver. And this year, there has just been too much New England attrition. If Tom Brady had a alleged serial killer playing tight end, the Patriots would win. Omaha! Broncos 35, Patriots 24
49ers AT SEAHAWKS – Despite all the hype on new quarterbacks, this game does not feature Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady. No, it features Marshawn Lynch versus Frank Gore. And some serious defense. As for the new style quarterbacks, they are about style, not points. After three overtimes, this thing is decided by a steel cage match between Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh. Actually, it looks more like a late fourth quarter beast run by Lynch to seal the game for the home crowd, which sits quietly and watches. Seahawks 23, 49ers 17
BYE AT BROWNS – A hobo named Rusty turns down the Browns head coach job because he is waiting for a better opportunity.
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This column is sponsored by dumb phones.