Ice ice baby
Vanilla ice ice baby
– Vanilla Ice

This is my favorite polar vortex NFL weekend of the year, even though these divisional NFL playoff picks have been unemployed since 1967, when I planned my very first Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade.

NFL coldAs the official Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade Planner, I have been unemployed longer than any person in America. That’s why I am publicly begging Congress to please extend unemployment insurance. I need it just one more year.

And before you get on my case, yes, I’ve looked for work. Just last week I had a temp job picking the Wild Card games for this column because the guy who runs this place told me he planned to be in churcnfl cold 2h on a bender.

I answered his Craigslist ad and got to pick the games last week. I got exactly zero predictions correct. I was immediately fired – almost as if the people running the Cleveland Browns were also in charge of this column. Don’t even get me started on conspiracy theories.

My point is that I remain unemployed. I am sleeping on a park bench in the middle of a polar vortex for the best weekend of the NFL calendar, the divisional playoffs. Is this any way for America to treat its most optimistic citizens?

It is. Oh, okay.

If you’re going to treat me like that, I am going to nuclear retaliate, just like Dennis Rodman, and tell you whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – Marshawn Lynch will be the most entertaining player of the weekend. He will be in the argument for the best player this weekend, against quarterbacks. That’s how good Marshawn Lynch will be – quarterback good. The paper Saints will go go up in flames with Rob Ryan’s genius certificate that he received from the University of Phoenix. Seahawks 31, Saints 21

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – Andrew Luck versus Tom Brady feels like, well, “Luke, I am your father.” Only Darth Vader wins. Yes, Tom Brady, under the tutelage of Bill Belichick, has finally morphed into Darth Vader in a matchup against the wholesome man who just finished running a plow behind a horse. Patriots 41, Colts 38

49ers AT PANTHERS – The prototype future of NFL quarterbacking is the debate that is settled when Cam Newton outplays a flustered Colin Kaepernick. The teams are evenly matched, and while the 49ers have the playoff experience, the Panthers have homefield advantage. Cam Newton is both lucky and good, which are excellent big-game traits. Panthers 24, 49ers 10

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – The Chargers on a terrific role and the NFL script-masters would love us to believe in Cinderella. But I am a grown up. I know how this story ends. A crocodile eats Cinderella. Broncos 42, Chargers 20

BYE AT BROWNS – Jimmy Haslam begs the FBI to please indict him.

This column is sponsored by broken thermometers.

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