I said now, watch what you say, now we’re calling you a radical, liberal, fanatical, criminal
Won’t you sign up your name, we’d like to feel your acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable
– Supertramp
Press Release – After much bickering, the bipartisan Congressional Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee offered these Week 11 NFL Picks to save the the 2011 Cleveland Browns, and the nation.
In the course of deliberations, the Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee split evenly between the six who vehemently urged the team to start winning, and the six who screamed at the team to quit losing. The printer of stationary heard the six who screamed, thus the formal committee name.
Peripherally, the committee is deeply split on Tim Tebow’s 1933 offense, whether the Packers can have a perfect season, and which Ryan brother would win a pie-eating contest. The committee has split every vote except one.
The Quit-Losing Super Committee unanimously agreed that a winning Cleveland Browns franchise is in the best interest of the nation. The Super Committee formally declared that as goes the Cleveland Browns, so goes the nation.
The Super Committee would like it noted that, as an example of a super committee, this one is super. The committee possesses super important people – 12 Cleveland Browns fans, including a superintendent and a supervisor. The committee understands how important it is to America that the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.
In essence, the Cleveland Browns are too big to fail.
Therefore, the bi-partisan Congressional Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee plans to explore whether the committee’s name implies that it has super powers. Whereas, if the Super Committee has super powers, the Super Committee shall use those powers to create a winning 2011 Cleveland Browns winning team in order to save America. This is the formal plan submitted by the Super Committee.
The Super Committee expects that it saved the nation with these Week 11 NFL picks and its aggressive use of superpowers. The committee welcomed the nation’s gratitude and offered this: “Seriously, that’s whatzgonnahappen.”
JETS AT BRONCOS – Tim Tebow has a severe case of Doug Flutie syndrome. And yes, I am often correct for the Thursday games. Rex Ryan’s defense can’t stop a college offense. Broncos 17, Jets 20
JAGUARS AT BROWNS – Browns backup tight end Alex Smith starts the game at quarterback. Later, Smith, not Phil Dawson, is sent in to kick a field goal. Browns 20, Jaguars 17
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Everyone is selling that the Bengals will fold, but I ain’t buying. The Bengals look legitimate. Meanwhile, a turkey hunter sees Ray Lewis and shoots a turkey. Bengals 24, Ravens 23
BYE AT COLTS – Curtis Painter drops his sandwich, throws away an important piece of mail, and has six sacks of groceries.
PANTHERS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford is good, but is he good enough? Cam Newton will be. Lions 27, Panthers 13
BUCCANEERS AT PACKERS – The Midwest manufacturer of touchdowns is working at full capacity. Packers 39, Buccaneers 10
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – As soon as I jumped on the Bills bandwagon, it jumped off the tracks. So I want to be clear that I am off the bandwagon which means I think they are going to win because I really think they are going to lose. I see how it works now. Or do I? Bills 30, Dolphins 10
BYE AT SAINTS – Sean Payton takes crutch guitar lessons.
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – The Redskins are angling for a draft pick, and DeMarco Murray will help their losing cause. Cowboys 24, Redskins 10
RAIDERS AT VIKINGS – Carson Palmer should take advantage of a Vikings defense that brings wrapping paper and ribbons to the stadium so they can gift wrap touchdowns. Raiders 28, Vikings 14
BYE AT STEELERS – The Terrible Towel factory is hit by a flood, earthquake, the plague, a civil war, and the Kardashians.
CARDINALS AT 49ers – Michael Crabtree is great, but he’s not Larry Fitzgerald. Alex Smith still needs a big weapon, but not in this game. 49ers
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Steven Jackson outruns Marshawn Lynch. Rams 17, Seahawks 13
BYE AT TEXANS – Doctors in Houston note a correlation between people wearing Texans jerseys and getting injured.
TITANS AT FALCONS – Mike Smith, for giggles, tries as many bad decisions he can come up with but he can’t find a way to lose this one. Falcons 30, Titans 10
CHARGERS AT BEARS – Julius Peppers haunt Philip Rivers dreams, and then he haunts pocket. Bears 27, Chargers 17
EAGLES AT GIANTS – Now it’s almost pathetic. The Eagles aren’t this bad, are they? Eagles 24, Giants 20
CHIEFS AT PATRIOTS – Imagine that Tyler Palco is the next Tom Brady type story. Imagine unicorns. Patriots 35, Chiefs 9
This column is sponsored by 2nd Place in the GOP presidential race.