Whoever we are
Wherever we’re from
We shoulda noticed by now
Our behavior is dumb
– Frank Zappa
These week 11 Picks are one chromosome short of the surface of a comet, where our German telescope can see the future of the NFL. You believe this because you are American and you don’t know anything about science. Plus you love to gamble.
Speaking of gambling, we’ve invited a New England Patriots fan and and MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, who helped engineer Obamacare for stupid people, to obscure the facts of these predictions with spin that will impress stupid people, and by “stupid people,” we mean you if you don’t root for the Cleveland Browns.
The audience for these NFL picks, we’ve noticed, has a high tolerance for leaving the page and never coming back – unless they are brilliant Cleveland Browns fans. It’s not that we’re being condescending, it’s just that we’re pretty sure you have no idea what we’re talking about and even though we don’t either, it doesn’t matter.
Our satellite is sitting on this comet and whether you like it or not – we’re too dumb to notice – we really can see into the future of whatzgonnahappen.
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – After all the progress Ryan Tannehill has made, this is the week you are reminded that he’s no Kyle Orton. Bills 26, Dolphins 20
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – The entire stadium is filled with psychiatrists trying to figure each of these teams out. They chant “How did that make you feel?” By the fourth quarter, they chant, “Tell me about your mother.” Falcons 31, Panthers 17
VIKINGS AT BEARS – It turns out that when Jay Cutler was a boy, his hero was Jeff George. Vikings 27 Bears 10
TEXANS AT BROWNS – It was rumored for a few years that Ryan Mallet would be throwing touchdowns to Cleveland Browns players. This week, it finally happens – twice to Joe Haden. Browns 33, Texans 16.
SEAHAWKS AT CHIEFS – This game has nothing to do with football and everything to do with the rivalry of fans in Kansas City wanting to yell louder than fans in Seattle. Chiefs 21, Seahawks 20
BENGALS AT SAINTS – Andy Dalton dyes his hair gold in the hope that the Saints want him as their backup quarterback next year. Saints 27, Bengals 20
49ers AT GIANTS – During Tom Coughlin’s pregame speech, Giants players learn the rules of shuffleboard. 49ers 42, Giants 22
BRONCOS AT RAMS – Peyton Manning films commercials in the huddle in the first quarter. In the second quarter, he orders pizza from Dominos. In the third quarter in the huddle, Manning reads “War and Peace”. In the fourth quarter, in the huddle, he takes a bubble bath. Broncos 51, Rams 21
BUCCANEERS AT REDSKINS – On the basis of his contract and his record, Lovie Smith is indicted for larceny. Redskins 27, Buccaneers 20
RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers have been horrible lately. The Raiders have been horrible for a whole chapter of a tenth grade history book. Chargers 40, Raiders 20
EAGLES AT PACKERS – While the Packers defense isn’t good enough to make Mark Sanchez look like, you know, Buttfumble McGee, the Packers offense is good enough to eventually make this look like a blowout. Packers 36, Eagles 21
LIONS AT CARDINALS – Either Bruce Arians is a magician or Drew Stanton is who we thought he was. I love magic. Cardinals 24, Lions 17
PATRIOTS AT COLTS – Andrew Luck is the future of the NFL. He’s going to hear that for a few more years during the playoffs. But on this night, the Patriots don’t travel as well as they will, and lose in a wild shootout. Colts 45, Patriots 43
STEELERS AT TITANS – Ben Roethlisberger throws six touchdown passes – five to his team and one to the Titans. Steelers 35, Titans 7
BYE AT RAVENS – Ravens feed on maggots. I looked it up.
BYE AT COWBOYS – Doctors performing a face lift on Jerry Jones and back surgery on Tony Romo are in one of those body switch movies.
BYE AT JAGUARS – The entire team is told to learn to speak with a British accent. “No particular bloody reason,” says the Jaguars press release.
BYE AT JETS – Rex Ryan eats donuts 24/7 in order to gain all of his weight back.
This column is sponsored by Almost.