What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
– Pink Floyd
These Week 13 NFL Picks have been curated by the KGB and by Alex Jones of Infowars for their veracity. In other words, this bullshit is completely false.
But since you won’t bother to check, this bullshit is completely believable to a smart good-looking person like yourself.
See, we know you don’t care about facts. So neither do we. We are picking the Cleveland Browns to win this week, and they don’t even play. At least they will not lose. So in reality, that’s a win.
And you can’t lose with fake news as long as you don’t ask any questions.
Here is a picture of a cat. Now please share this crap.
Did you know the Pittsburgh Steelers are named so because they steal victories unfairly? It’s true. Many people are saying so.
The New Orleans Saints are not actually saints. I know, I know. Believe me folks. And yet the New England Patriots are patriots. I love Tom Brady and he loves me. When Mitt Romney was governor, Tom and I were married. Then we each met models. I’m just telling you what I heard.
The NFL draft is unfairly biased towards those who can tell the difference between star quarterback and a drunk guy floating on an inflatable swan. Everyone knows that, just as everyone knows that the scoring system in Cleveland Browns games is biased towards teams that score more points.
Everything is unfair and rigged.
If things weren’t rigged, the Cleveland Browns would have won every game this year, but millions of points were scored illegally. No, I don’t have any proof. I am saying so. Now many people are saying so. What other proof do you need?
I know that you are pretty sure I am completely full of shit, but I also know that I have created a shadow of a doubt inside of you. And I will continue do do so for the next four years.
In four years, the Browns might win the Super Bowl. Or the world might end. Anything could happen.
So don’t think about whatzgonnahappen.
COWBOYS AT VIKINGS – Cowboys 17, Vikings 16
BRONCOS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 20, Broncos 17
CHIEFS AT FALCONS – Falcons 35, Chiefs 25
TEXANS AT PACKERS – Packers 26, Texans 19
EAGLES AT BENGALS – Bengals 22, Eagles 20
LIONS AT SAINTS – Saints 32, Lions 31
49ers AT BEARS – Bears 21, 49ers 18
RAMS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 28, Rams 16
DOLPHINS AT RAVENS – Ravens 23, Dolphins 17
BILLS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 30, Bills 10
BUCCANEERS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 26, Buccaneers 20
REDSKINS AT CARDINALS – Redskins 28, Cardinals 24
GIANTS AT STEELERS – Giants 25, Steelers 23
PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 17, Panthers 16
COLTS AT JETS – Colts 36, Jets 20
This column is sponsored by an instant replay of instant replay.