And it’s a certain kind of fool
Who likes to hear the sound of his own name
– The Eagles
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: I predict week 4 in the NFL will be wiped off the map by one name – Brett Favre.
I’m the one who sent him back. First I made him retire. Then I talked him into waffling because I hate middle America. Sure, I considered bombing Minnesota and Wisconsin, but I knew Brett Favre’s retirement/unretirement would cause greater and longer-lasting collective angst than any mere military operation.
So you foolish Americans can believe what you want to believe but I am telling you that the twilight of Brett Favre’s career is an Iranian intelligence operation aimed at causing psychological damage in the heartland.
Speaking of psychological damage and the heartland, let me be clear: The damage Eric Mangini is allegedly doing to the Cleveland Browns is not real. I deny it.
Don’t bother me with documents, proof, standings, or statistics. I have no desire to look at the first three games of Mark Sanchez’s career with the knowledge that Mangini chose to stick with weak-armed (and already benched) Brady Quinn, and draft a center instead.
I don’t see any damage at all.
The Browns are a great football team and the talent is hidden away in a secret facility. No, I’m not going to tell you where it is or let you inspect the team. The only thing I will reveal is that Eric Mangini also works for the Iranian government. That’s right, I’m spreading NFL despair city by city, and I’m going to destroy your city next. That’s whatzgonnahappen.
GIANTS AT CHIEFS – In the first half, Eli Manning is served End Zone on a silver platter by the Chiefs defense. Giants 33, Chiefs 17
BENGALS AT BROWNS – Derek Anderson throws five touchdown passes. Eric Mangini’s press clippings turn 180 degrees. It’s not the first time. It won’t be the last. Browns 35, Bengals 31
BUCCANNEERS AT REDSKINS – Kellen Winslow Jr. brought some Cleveland Browns attitude with him to Tampa, eh? Redskins 23, Buccaneers 14
BYE AT CARDINALS – Where’s that damn glass slipper?
RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – Ray Lewis is told he is the public option, so he dies on the Senate floor. Meanwhile, his ghost just misses pummeling Tom Brady, who leaves bruised and victorious. Patriots 23, Ravens 21
TITANS AT JAGUARS – Interceptions and Maurice-Jones Drew have the Titans thinking about Vince Young and pining for Albert Haynesworth. Jaguars 19 Titans 10
SEAHAWKS AT COLTS – This might be the year for Manning versus Manning in the Super Bowl. I’m pretty sure this will be the last Manning versus Wallace match-up of the year. Colts 31, Seahawks 16
BYE AT FALCONS – Michael Turner vows to get off his treadmill.
RAIDERS AT TEXANS – When JaMarcus Russell throws a party, his guests go to the next house over. Texans 30, Raiders 20
LIONS AT BEARS – Matt Stafford outplays Jay Cutler and I believe in Karma. Lions 24, Bears 21
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Hey, that guy on the T.O. Show… does he play football or is he just a Reality TV star? Dolphins 20, Bills 17
JETS AT SAINTS – This is pretty boy middleweight Oscar De La Hoya versus Smokin’ Joe Frazier. Saints 42, Jets 21
BYE AT PANTHERS – They throw courier Woodstock. The Panthers love the opposing ground game so much that UPS and Fedex employees spontaneously gather in Carolina
RAMS AT 49ERS – Two trains going in opposite directions pass over the Golden Gate Bridge, prompting the question; why are there trains on the bridge? Candlestick Park. 49ers 26, Rams 13
COWBOYS AT BRONCOS – The Broncos are about to go 4-0 on their way to a losing season. Broncos 28, Cowboys 17
BYE AT EAGLES – Michael Vick endorses (insert punchline).
CHARGERS AT STEELERS – Philip Rivers throws two fourth quarter touchdowns as Steelers fans witness the beginning of the end. Chargers 24, Steelers 21
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – I wish someone on TV in America would remind me the name of the quarterback of the Vikings. I can’t remember his back story. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers throws a 32-yard touchdown pass with two seconds left to win it. Packers 23, Vikings 20
This column is sponsored by David Letterman’s private Top 10 list.