I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and I must have it painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black
– Rolling Stones
Hi, I am Senator Ted Cruz and I believe the Cleveland Browns should trade Buster Skrine to Philadelphia so he can be Philly Buster. Let me keep talking.
I am talking because I believe, like all real Americans, that the Cleveland Browns should be allowed to play in the Super Bowl without having to win any more games. My request is perfectly reasonable in my opinion. Other opinions, to me, are weird.
I have a really important opinion. Just ask me. I’m glad you asked. I know the odds of my succeeding are worse than, say, the Jacksonville Jaguars against the Denver Broncos. Go on, call me the Jacksonville Jaguars of the United States Senate. So what? Harry Reid still has to play me. I am on the schedule.
So when I talk about nonsense, I can make it seem like sense. I just keep talking and once you are numb enough to get hypnotized, you’ll be as angry as me. Yet I appear to be the most reasonable man on Earth. Just ask me.
Look, I never get my way. So I’ve finally decided to do this. I don’t care if I shut down the NFL.
Oh, you do? I can shut down the government, but not the NFL. Wow, you people are real Americans.
At this point, I don’t care whatzgonnahappen.
49ers AT RAMS – Colin Kaepernick has gone from the model quarterback of the future to a guy who was a questionable second round draft pick. Didn’t it used to be the other way around? Rams 23, 49ers 20
RAVENS AT BILLS – The Bills already begin thinking about the quarterbacks in next year’s draft, and how nice it is in Los Angeles. Ravens 20, Bills 10
CARDINALS AT BUCCANEERS – In his first start, Mike Glennon will throw for 400 yards and five touchdowns. It will be the only good game of his career. Buccaneers 38, Cardinals 31
STEELERS AT VIKINGS AT LONDON – This smells like an international incident, the kind of intentional toxic attack that clearly crosses Obama’s red line. Steelers 10, Vikings 6
GIANTS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs are rolling. The Chiefs are at home. The Giants look lost. Yes, looks like an easy win for the the Giants. Giants 27, Chiefs 16
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert is back, but I blame luck. Colts 40, Jaguars 9
SEAHAWKS AT TEXANS – I’m selling on the Texans. “Forever mediocre” should be the new slogan. Seahawks 22, Texans 17
BENGALS AT BROWNS – The best way to improve the passing game in the modern NFL is to remove the running game. That’s why the Trent Richardson trade was so brilliant. Browns 60, Bengals 10
BEARS AT LIONS – “The Bears are going to the Super Bowl,” said the guy who sold me the bridge. Lions 20, Bears 19
JETS AT TITANS – Geno Locker or Jake Smith? Both go by the name of “Next!” Titans 13, Jets 10
REDSKINS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders defense makes RGIII’s knee look much better. Redskins 27, Raiders 17
EAGLES AT BRONCOS – Chip Kelly and Philadelphia is going to be a fun marriage to watch, as fast-paced train wrecks usually are. Broncos 51, Eagles 25
COWBOYS AT CHARGERS – Sure, the Cowboys can win in hostile territory, if you can call San Diego hostile. Cowboys 34, Chargers 21
PATRIOTS AT FALCONS – The Patriots are getting better. The Falcons look vulnerable. In truth, the Falcons are better and the Patriots are vulnerable. Falcons 29, Patriots 20
DOLPHINS AT SAINTS – What’s that music they like in New Orleans? Oh yeah, the funeral march of the Dolphins undefeated season. I love the trumpet solo. Saints 41, Dolphins 30
BYE AT PANTHERS – Several Panthers say they are better able to use the bathroom without Rod Chudzinski around.
BYE AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers cuts the cheese. People applaud.
This column is sponsored by a pre-existing condition.