Thank you for reading!
– Happy Thanksgiving
These Week 12 NFL picks love you man! Remember that thing that happened decades ago that still pisses me off? Get me another drink! Let’s talk politics.
Oh, I love you man. But I can’t believe what a loser jerk you are. Seriously, let’s talk politics. Your religion is stupid! Happy Thanksgiving. Isn’t it great that the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots created Thanksgiving. I love American history.
I am sorry, I have those facts wrong. That’s right, I am wrong. You got a problem with that?
It was the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys who created this national holiday that I love in the way that I love pie. I like cake more than pie. But I love to say “pie.” And I love Thanksgiving the way that I love pie.
What, so now you got a problem with pie? Me too. I want cake.
So let’s talk politics. Everything on this table was a gift from Mitt Romney, who said he wanted to buy my vote in the recent election. Actually, Mitt Romney bought me this house too. He wanted to buy gifts for voters like Obama did. But he only bought gifts for 100 of us. I have this house, a yacht, and two illegal immigrants to do my yard work. Mitt’s awesome! I voted for Obama, but Mitt’s awesome!
Pass the mashed potatoes. Want to know my opinion on rape?
I know everything about the NFL, of course. Tim Tebow is the best player ever. Did I ever tell you how stupid I think your religion is? Ed Reed should be suspended for life for being a Baltimore Raven. It’s offensive. Colin Kaepernick is better than Alex Smith, and the Cleveland Browns are going to win the next Super Bowl. Yeah, I’m smart and I get smarter when I drink.
Let me tell you what I would do about Israel and Palestine. Pass the stuffing. When you die, how much will I inherit? I love holidays when I get to share my knowledge and issues with you. This turkey is dry. I should have went out to eat.
Get me another drink and I’ll tell you all about whatzgonnahappen.
TEXANS AT LIONS – A long time ago, the Lions always seemed to have magic on Thanksgiving. This time, there is no magic, just a team on short rest coming out of an overtime game. Lions 27, Texans 24
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Tony Romo is Mr. November. Cowboys 31, Redskins 22
PATRIOTS AT JETS – In the fourth quarter Tom Brady throws five touchdown passes as Rex Ryan melts like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. Patriots 70, Jets 10
STEELERS AT BROWNS – After last week’s visit to a previously unknown corner of Cleveland sports hell, I am giving thanks that the Steelers are on their third string quarterback. It’s almost a fair match now. Browns 30, Steelers 10
BILLS AT COLTS – The Colts got beat up by New England last week, but Buffalo is not New England any more than this week is last week. Colts 27, Bills 24
RAIDERS AT BENGALS – It turns out that Carson Palmer’s holdout never ended. He plays, but he’s holding out. Bengals 23, Raiders 13
VIKINGS AT BEARS – I always give grief to Jay Cutler. But then I saw Jason Campbell play. Still unknown on Cutler, but I say he plays and the Bears win. Bears 26, Vikings 20
TITANS AT JAGUARS – All aboard the Chad Henne express. Jaguars 24, Titans 17
FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – The Falcons are a better team but the Buccaneers feel hotter. Buccaneers 37, Falcons 30
SEAHAWKS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill outplays Russell Wilson, mostly because Reggie Bush decides to show up. Dolphins 23, Seahawks 13
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Hillary Clinton is called in to help stop the carnage. Broncos 45, Chiefs 13
RAVENS AT CHARGERS – Ray Lewis has a tryptophan overdose. Ed Reed throws $50,000 out the window, and then he hits himself in the head. For no reason at all…. Chargers 31, Ravens 20
49ers AT SAINTS – Colin Kaepernick looked ridiculously good on Monday night. Drew Brees looks that way every week. And Jim Harbaugh just screwed up the season. Saints 35, 49ers 13
RAMS AT CARDINALS – How did the Cardinals beat the Patriots in New England, and why didn’t I know that that was the only given Sunday. Rams 20, Cardinals 10
PACKERS AT GIANTS – One train is going north. One train is stalled. Packers 30. Giants 17
PANTHERS AT EAGLES – Andy Reid’s mustache holds a press conference declaring Andy has quit but it is sticking around to finish out the season. Panthers 36, Eagles 3
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