I’m back in the USSR
You don’t how luck you are, boys
– The Beatles
These Week 15 NFL Picks, using information from the Russians, waited until after all the games were played to make a prediction. I only got one wrong.
I would also like to thank the the Russians for hacking the Week 14 NFL Picks last week. Based on information from the Russians, that fool picked the Cleveland Browns to win.
Meanwhile, the Russians have used Julian Assange to steal secrets from the CIA, who then found out that the Russians did all this just because they have it in for the Cleveland Browns.
So follow along… Vladimir Putin used to run the KGB. The last time Johnny Manziel was seen as a member of the Browns, he was in Las Vegas wearing a blond wig and fake mustache and telling everyone his name was “Billy.” This is KGB-like behavior.
Think about it. The last time the Cleveland Browns won, Johnny Manziel was their quarterback.
It all adds up to the Russians.
And I would care except that President-Elect Trump has picked me to be Secretary Of Forecasting.
I have been picking the Cleveland Brown to win every week since 1999. They have lost almost every week since 1999. The Browns have lost every game this season. Clearly, I am the best candidate.
Who could be better to forecast what is going to happen than someone who has been consistently wrong. I know how losers think. So now that I am part of team Trump, I’ll pick winners. You see this, right?
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 24, Rams 3
DOLPHINS AT JETS – Dolphins 34, Jets 13
BUCCANEERS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 26, Buccaneers 20
RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Raiders 19, Chargers 16
PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – Patriots 16, Broncos 3
SAINTS AT CARDINALS – Saints 48, Cardinals 41
49ers AT FALCONS – Falcons 41, 49ers 13
PACKERS AT BEARS – Packers 30, Bears 27
BROWNS AT BILLS – Browns 33, Bills 13
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Texans 21, Jaguars 20
LIONS AT GIANTS – Giants 17, Lions 6
TITANS AT CHIEFS – Titans 19, Chiefs 17
STEELERS AT BENGALS – Steelers 24, Bengals 20
EAGLES AT RAVENS – Ravens 27, Eagles 26
COLTS AT VIKINGS – Colts 34, Vikings 6
PANTHERS AT REDSKINS – Panthers 26, Redskins 15
This column is sponsored by A Time Machine, & The Russians.