So, don’t ask me no questions
And I won’t tell you no lies
– Lynyrd Skynyrd
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These week 8 NFL picks think your question about what games I plan to pick in week 8 is remarkably unfair. It is a gotcha question, from the biased media.
Look, I want to give you my week 8 NFL picks. That is why I write this column. So don’t go asking me what my week 8 NFL picks are. Frankly, my week 8 NFL picks are none of your business.
The media actually has the nerve to think that the appropriate response to a question is to answer the question. Wrong again! The appropriate response to any question I do not like is to say the question is unfair.
For instance I have long anticipated this next question about why do the Cleveland Browns stink. Just because you look at the scores of the game doesn’t give you a right to question their legitimacy as a great NFL team. Let me tell you some facts I just made up.
Oh never mind. You are too stupid and unfair to understand whatzgonnahappen.
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DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Tough-talking Dan Campbell has transformed the Dolphins into a tough team. So the Patriots Mad Science Department (it exists) concocts a serum that goes in his coffee and makes him say, “Guys, let’s go easy on them because Tom Brady had a tough off-season.” Patriots 42, Dolphins 30
LIONS VS CHIEFS AT LONDON – London calling. That phony NFL mania has bitten the dust. Seriously, they gave us the Beatles and we give them Lions versus Chiefs? Chiefs 26, Lions 20
VIKINGS AT BEARS – The Vikings are slowly starting to make me believe while I am pure Bears atheist. Vikings 24, Bears 23
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Tampa Bay’s secondary is among the best at making a quarterback look good. See Kurt Cousins for reference. Falcons 39, Buccaneers 21
GIANTS AT SAINTS – Just as I was giving up on the Saints, they have pulled me back in. I like the Giants long-term better, but the Saints are rolling. Saints 29, Giants 28
49ers AT RAMS – Todd Gurley is now the best running back in the NFL. The 49ers are the the league’s biggest mess. Rams 30, 49ers 20
CARDINALS AT BROWNS – Chris Johnson is having a great season. The Browns can’t stop the run. Add it up, and my math says Johnson never gets going. Yeah, I hate math enough to make me think that Travis Benjamin will have a better game than Johnson. Browns 31, Cardinals 27
BENGALS AT STEELERS – Big Ben is back. The Bengals are undefeated. Something’s got to give.
CHARGERS AT RAVENS – The Ravens are horrible. The Chargers are terrible. But Philip Rivers is awesome. Chargers 36, Ravens 20
TITANS AT TEXANS – This is the old Oilers versus the new Oilers, except neither one is named the Oilers. Thus, this game has no octane. Texans 10, Titans 9
JETS AT RAIDERS – Derek Carr and Amari make Darrell Revis look old on at least one play. Raiders 20, Jets 11.
SEAHAWKS AT COWBOYS – Russell Wilson and God come to a consensus that that Jerry Jones and Greg Hardy deserve this. Seahawks 29, Cowboys 3
PACKERS AT BRONCOS – I have now decided that I am rooting for a 18-0 Packers versus an 18-0 Patriots in the Super Bowl. This is one step on that path. Packers 29, Broncos 17
COLTS AT PANTHERS – So, who wants Andrew Luck instead of Cam Newton? Panthers 35, Colts 22
BYE AT BILLS – Every time that Tyrod Taylor tries on a super hero costume, it doesn’t fit.
BYE AT JAGUARS – Blake Bortles talks to his Blaine Gabbert poster the way that Richard Nixon used to talk to the portrait of Abraham Lincoln.
BYE AT EAGLES – Chip Kelly visits the campus of USC.
BYE AT REDSKINS – Kirk Cousins signs a Kirk Cousins photo and then brags that he has a Kirk Cousins autograph. Next to his name, he writes, “Best week ever.”
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This column is sponsored by the ghost of the Cleveland Browns season, already here. Boo!